Saturday, December 5, 2009


Mae Sarton: "Now I see that the inner life must be kept going under all the clutter." Yes, I have filled my life with debris, too. It can be difficult to lay the finger on clutter when we swim in it all the time. I remember a movie where Meryl Streep's character said, "More is better". For me, at this time, in this place "Less is better."
In all of us we find weakness as well as strength. I want to be strong but find myself growing weaker by the moon. In these declining years I can accept certain physical limitations but as an elder I want to see myself gathering spiritual and emotional strength. They say we take only our memories to the other side. So I've tried to make as many good memories as I can. I do not want to degrade my future with self-contempt or loathing. While I know I must carry some remorse let it not cast a heavy black shadow over joy. For they also say it is joy that endures. Not the good times. Not even happiness. So call down Joy and let her be your most loyal companion.
When Aina brought me back to Ann's yesterday we lunched at Bachman's again. I tried the Monkey King Jasmine green tea. We also stopped at the American Swedish Institute. I got a Carl Larrson calendar (total tender $15.08), she got a table runner. Then we had coffee and cookies in the Kaffestuga Coffee Shop in the lower level. The 33-room Turnblad mansion was completed in 1908. This French Chateauesque-style structure is built with Indiana limestone and looks like a castle. The ballroom is located on the third floor. By the time I'd made the climb I was too tired to dance. We left under a soft falling of new snow with flakes dancing all around us.
Later Ann and I watched an 8-minute film clip from I was reminded of how in a roomful of strangers some are offended when they first see me at the podium with my broken teeth. They have to get beyond what I look like so they can hear me. That first minute of judgement is a brief barriar. They have to see that one can be truly and humanly beautiful even if we are not physically perfect. It's wonderful! Most children leap past that first glance with ease and grace. It's a lovely moment when they all accept me as I am and we go on from there together. What can be disconcerting is to discover an old friend that still has not found the grace to forgive me for my broken teeth and accept my decision to continue my journey in this manner. At least until I find a way to pay for all the work that goes into repairing teeth so I, too, can enjoy a lovely smile.

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