AT THE FLAT

May 1. I have finished "Never Cry Wolf" and will keep it to read again. The pages are full of laughter and wet with tears for the slaughter of the innocent.

Today is my move-in date. Wallis, Marcellus and I took a few boxes to the flat. Then Marcellus locked himself inside. After about 10 minutes of near panic he figured out how to open the door.

Back at Annie's I got some horrible news. Cinnamon had killed 18 chickens! Apparently he was the sole assassin. How I wish this could be undone.

I brought in more wood and warmed the Redd Shedd. I don't want to carry a lot of leftover food so I am trying to eat the refrigerator. Cinnamon is helping.

May 2. Unable to sleep after 2 AM. Cinnamon the mass murderer is on death row and occupies my every thought. No dreams of the awful spectacle of panic and terror those poor chickens endured during their final moment. How could such a gentle, sensitive creature do such violence?

Wallis, Marcellus and I went to the A-frame to get some foam pads for my bed at the new flat. I also went to visit 10-10 and he was so glad to see me. He is looking well-nourished well-loved.

Back at Deer River I loaded the car and took more boxes to the flat. I made 2 trips with car and numerous climbs up the steps. My legs were complaining so I had to quit. Then went to the store for something to eat and realized this was my first purchase in this place so saved the receipt for the journal. Took a hot tub bath and went to bed on the floor.

May 3. Last night I wanted to read a bit so selected "Giant" by Edna Ferber. I'd seen the movie and never read the book so I was quite surprised to discover that the book begins near the end of the movie.

This morning the tree tops beyond my second floor windows were full of birds. Blue jays, fiches, robins, doves and blackbirds. Pigeons were leaping off the roof and sailing past the window with grace and beauty to strut about in the grass below.

Another day of sweat and labor. The building manager stopped in with a contract concerning the deposit. He noticed my high school grad portrait and asked who it was. "Someone I used to be," I told him. "It's you, right?" he persisted. "It's someone I used to be," I insisted. "I remember her but she doesn't know me." His whole body turned into a question mark. "But it's you! You look the same." I shook my head. "I see you in her," he finished. Soon he was gone. Cedar was with me and she making toast for our teatime. Later she helped me carry more stuff up the steps. Then I took her home. Soon Annie was at the door with a package from France. It was a lovely collection of Paris related gifts: a mug, a snack tray, snacks, and a clock. I'll put the clock in my bathroom. I went through some boxes of fabric and put aside 2 bags for the Thrift Store. Then I settled into my floor bed to pray and rest.

May 4. A beautiful sky blue day. The leaves beyond the window are 3 times larger than they were yesterday! I went to Grand Rapids to talk to the vet about Cinnamon being euthanized. He has an appointment for 10:30 tomorrow. I broke down once in the office and once in the car. Then I took Cinnamon for a long and lovely ride through springtime in the forest. We went to Ball Club where we first met. Then we went to the house on Sparrow where we used to live. We talked about being happy and being sad. I told him about dying. H said, "I'm only four years old. That's too young to die."

I took him back to the kennel and moved more boxes. But all day I've been carrying my bleeding heart in my aching hands... my poor old getting so tired of being broken heart.

May 5. Resolve brought rest and I slept well last night. The sky is covered with a blanket of gloom. The blue jays ave come and gone. I must take Cinnamon on his last ride. He really enjoyed himself but I felt I had betrayed him somehow. Yes, he seemed to be making the most of our last ride together. (I must add... he was quite present on my return, too. I knew he was dead but he seemed to be asleep and that he would get up and leap from the car when I opened the door. But, of course, he did not.)

As Cinnamon went to the other side Sam came running to meet and greet him. Cinnamon was not afraid. He was sweet and calm and trusting as he went across. I stayed with him so he would not be anxious. I held him and didn't weep until he was gone. I'd brought his old wool blanket for him to lay on and they put him in the back seat. Justice had dug the grave so I buried my good and loyal friend in the cold, cold rain. I wept again for all my lonely years. I sang for him, too, "Beyond the Sunset". I thought about Smokey Robinson's old song, "What's so Good about Goodbye". Yes, there's been a death in the family.

Cedar found four extremely beautiful dried beans and has taped them to the front on my address book. I wonder if they have any magic qualities. If they do, shall I expect a visit from an angry giant? A young man once told me how he'd left his harp on the porch and when he returned he'd found it playing without his assistance. He said the wind fingers were making a song. He wrote it down and played it for me.

May 6. Yesterday I used my oven for the first time. I baked Cinnamon's memorial paw print plaque. In the car I can still smell him. When I talk to him he whines a little. I hear him putting his nose over the edge of the open window and sniffing the air. He inhales the sky and sneezes. He shakes his head and I hear his ears flapping.

Wallis and moved two more car loads of stuff and took Roberto's old pontoon chairs to her house.

Washing clothes is the way to meet other residents. I met Pearl during the wash and Randy during the drying. Afterwards I realized that Pearl wanted to talk about her pacemaker and Randy about his new hip. I have no replacement parts to discuss. After I finished laundry, Gloria came to my door and said we should have coffee sometimes... apparently she has no replacements to talk about.

Wallis and I moved more boxes. In afternoon Michael, Wallis and I went to Cass Lake for Marcellus' Headstart graduation. I got to spend more time with 10-10. They have changed his name to Puppy.

May 7. I dreamed that it snowed and awakened with that winter kind of ache in my bones. When I looked up to see what kind of a day it was gong to be guess who was looking in on me? Yes, it was Cinnamon! He was waiting for e to wake up. His body was telling me that he's happy but he missed me. "I miss you, too", I whispered. Then he was gone. It was a brief but beautiful visit.

It's really snowing now. There was snow falling on Cedar at Hickory Lane when she goes to catch the school bus.

It's been snowing all day. But Annie and Justice brought my bed! I look forward to falling into it's familiar lumps and shifting padding. Or is my lumps that are shifting?

Then as the earth received a gift from the sky Annie told me that my cousin Clifford Robertson had been found dead under a bridge in Mpls. We didn't know he was homeless. "Why didn't he just come back home?" Annie asked. "Sometimes it's like they say in the old song, 'Lord, I just can't go home this a-way." She nodded and understood. Clifford had something that only a few people possess. It was a million dollar smile. When he caught your eye and tossed you that unforgettable smile... you stayed smiled at forever. Which reminds me... have I smiled at anyone today? I guess not. And so there is yet another death in the family.

I got a mom's day card from my son-in-law, Mark, today. He enclosed a photos of the family taken on a recent visit to Sandstone. I have already framed it and put it on display in the flat.

May 8. Ann and Dar found the apt but I was out at the other house so they found me there. We moved some stuff to the flat and made book shelves from milk crates and sauna boards. We had a lovely lunch and beautiful visit and they were off to Crosby. When Annie came later she suggested that I get rid of the crates and use cinder blocks for the book shelves. Where have I heard that before?
Today was the celebration of Cedar's 6th birthday. Tom and family were there and her Grampa Humphrey. I got a card from Tom. I moved more light boxes. Michael and Wallis came for tea and we carried boxes up to #8.
Made see-through shelves for the windows. It breaks the view of the dark roof beyond but does not block the light.