Seven Decades

THE END OF ANOTHER JOURNAL

2010-12-16T21:31:00.002-06:00

Dawn S came as I put Cedar on the bus and we left directly for Pine River. It was a lovely ride over good roads. I did two programs and they were well attended. Both groups gave us a full house. Several dear and loyal friends showed up and it was a great treat to look out at their smiling faces.

When I got back home I emptied the mail box of its exciting contents. Cards and notes and a package from Carla D in France. She had sent me four envelopes of postage stamps. Cedar and I will open them tomorrow when she gets back from school.

Flo also sent a package with me and it contained a beautiful doll! There was also a caddie, can of chocolate and a bag of Jasmine tea. What gracious generous friends!

This is the final journal entry and the last blog for Seven Decades. I've enjoyed this so much that I plan to begin a new blog Jan 1, 2011. I'll keep a daily journal and a weekly blog. Thank you who have followed the blog and left comments. Perhaps you will join me again after Christmas.

Good bye for now.

FIERCE COMPETITION

2010-12-15T21:46:00.002-06:00

While going through photos I am setting aside those of my pet friends so Cedar can see how real they are. Now they are but names and stories without breath or bone.

In spite of serious temperature dip the goldfinches are still coming to the feeder. I think they should go south as they are too aggressive for the chickadees. How can the cheerful friendly little ones survive such fierce competition?

I went out early to meet the bus so I could take a ten minute walk. I tried to step in nonslip spots but impossible to avoid ice completely. When I got to the bus stop I was so tense my whole body was a clenched fist. But as I stood in the sun I was soon so warm I pulled off my scarf and removed my old tattered mittens.

Brandon said these were "the mittens you love". He'd noticed that I'd patched them with red felt hearts. I'd embroidered a smile on one of the hearts and he noticed that, too. Not much escaped his quick bright eyes.

I have so many photos of him and twice he has looked up out of an image and brought tears to my eyes.

SUMMER PLUMS

2010-12-14T22:25:00.003-06:00

"Politics is about the improvement of people's lives, lessening human suffering, advancing the cause of peace and justice in our country and in the world." Paul Wellstone.

Did you know that friends and I visited Marjorie Rawlings home at Cross Creek, FL? Yes, and the oranges were ripe. So each guest was allowed to pick and enjoy a fresh fruit from the tree near her house. Just think of that! My cells were nurtured and restored by Marjorie Rawlings and a single orange. In my life so far I can remember only two such special oranges. The first was found in the toe of my Christmas stocking in 1945 on Franklin Avenue, Mpls, MN.

Today I have spent hours looking at old photos before I lock them away for storage. I think I might never look at them again. How beautiful the children were and always dear and sometimes sweet. Those were my golden years. Then came the grands. But Brandon left so suddenly. Now I have Cedar to love and she is my new gold. And how she appreciates my old stories. She opens both hands to receive them like the black plums of summer.

TWO DEAD COWS

2010-12-13T10:43:00.005-06:00

What a dream! I was at a party with my dog, Armand. We were having a good time. Every time something fun or funny happened he laughed! He was not large. He was not small. He seemed to love me very much but abandoned me later. He had short hair of a dark chocolate color and his ears tipped over at the top. As we tried to leave the party through the back door I discovered two cows blocking the way. They were dead and frozen. It was a shocking sight so I decided to seek another exit. I met a woman who was also trying to leave and had seen the cows. We were walking together when we met my dear old friend Bing (she is long gone to the other side). I told her about the dead cows. "Pooh, pooh!" she snorted. "I am not afraid of such things." She led us out. But Armand would not pass the cows so I went home without him. Soon a young man in a short black jacket was at the door. He wanted to see the stamps I was trying to sell. I showed him a portfolio of stamps and he selected an exquisite strip. They were fairly large, printed on gold paper and the art was highly colored. He went out to get his money from the car and never returned. When I became suspicious I looked into the portfolio and found the coveted stamps were missing.

Cedar came to spend the day with me as she was too sick to go to school. Yes, they do not want such children in the classroom sharing their germs. Only grandmothers can tolerate such children. She spent a lot of time playing with my stuffed dachshund collection. Later she worked on a chalk art project for Laura and wrote two short stories entitled "Bender's Tail" and "The Brave Snowman". I was her stenographer.

THE GRIEF AND JOY

2010-12-12T21:36:00.002-06:00

I have received several holiday letters. I find they are missives of the highs and lows. Friends sharing grief and joy at the end of 2010.

I kept myself busy all day. I got a lot done as soon I will be gone again. Gloria brought me a bag of buns and a loaf of bread. I think I will make tuna salad sandwiches tomorrow.

Myrna called and we had a good visit. Now I am so tired again. Where is my energy?

HUNGRY EYES

2010-12-11T19:30:00.002-06:00

I enjoyed a wonderful continental breakfast, read my e-mail and suddenly Dawn S had arrived. We went to the Brainerd library. Some very old friends showed up. I'd known them 30+ years before. I nearly wept. I devoured them with my eyes so long hungry to rest upon their beauty. It was a good crowd. Some had brought books for me to sign.

Then Dawn and I were off to Pine River. We picked up her husband Joe. I had another terrific group with some familiar faces. We had late lunch on the road and very fine conversations, They brought me to my door and returned to the long highway home to Brainerd.

FALLING TREES

2010-12-10T08:16:00.002-06:00

Dawn S came to pick me up and we had a pleasant journey over good roads to Wadena. At the library I told 4 stories to 80 6th graders! It was a full house. Afterwards we went to Baxter where a nice room was reserved for me at Hawthorne Inn and Suites. We talked about meeting for supper. But I took a hot bath, called and said I would go to bed early and meet her at 9:30 AM in the lobby.

I dreamed of falling trees. I held the hand of a child in mine and picked our way safely through the trees. When I looked at the child I saw Brandon smiling up at me. I went on avoiding the trees falling around us. When I looked at the child again... it was Cedar. She looked up at me with worried eyes. When I felt sharp sticks strike my face and arms I woke up in a strange room and heard someone running down the hall with heavy feet.

ON A STORMY DAY

2010-12-09T20:46:00.003-06:00

In the quiet morning I read a bit of Wendell Berry and he wrote that God is showing us mercy when he does not allow us to see into the future. On my long drive to Walker I was on icy #8, then on a very snowy #200. Visibility was poor at times and the road had disappeared under the snow. I thought, "If I had seen this road in my future today I would have stayed home." At the library I waited. It stopped snowing and 60 third graders entered all rosy cheeked and bright eyed. I had a wonderful time telling stories to so many good listeners. As they left several came to thank me. How gracious of them.

Now I am quite exhausted. I feel like I pushed an elephant all around Leech Lake. Yes, I returned on #371, got on #2 and found myself circling Leech Lake on a stormy day.

JOHN LENNON DAY

2010-12-08T22:38:00.002-06:00

Today is the anniversary of the day John Lennon was murdered and the international celebration of his extraordinary vision of a world without war.

I worked on the puzzle for about an hour in the community room. C. came to apologize for not attending the pie party. She went on to tell me she is quite sick and does not expect to see Christmas! I was stunned by the suddenness of this terrible news. I stammered my dismay as she backed out of the room. I really can't tell you what images followed her to her room, touching her vital organs and licking her shoulders with a long cruel tongue.

LONGVILLE LIBRARY

2010-12-07T21:01:00.005-06:00

I was at Longville library today (the smallest town in the state with a library). I had another nice crowd. Cameo gave me a beaded buffalo pin. She'd brought her son Joseph, a charming lad who said he would try to tell one of the stories to his father. I keep asking myself, "Which one?"

Cedar came for supper and fell asleep on the love seat. Annie took Geezis to IHS teen clinic in Cass Lake. She has breathing difficulties and painful knees. As predicted, nothing was done but she received a prescription for pain medication which can be purchased at Target without a clinic visit.

Gloria, Randy, Ed and I are still decorating our corridor. Annie came up to get Cedar and said our hall looks better than first floor. "What have they done down there?" I asked. "Nothing," she replied.

While at the Longville library an elder man asked if my books were there. They had one but it was out. The librarian offered to put him on a wait list. He agreed. The librarian soon discovered the man had no card. So she signed him up, issued a card and he would get the book ASAP. What a wonderful moment! A library patron had been created by his desire to read MY book! Wow!

IT IS WHAT IT IS

2010-12-06T21:48:00.004-06:00

I dreamed a woman... not young... not old... I suppose she was an eternal creature. She walked in silence and came to look at me on the bed. She smiled, held out her arms and embraced me. She looked at me for a long time then leaned down and kissed me. I felt her hair fall across my face. She paused at the door, looked back and smiled in her wonderful way. I think that smile is part of my forever. I have been wondering about her all day.

I'm still working on "Uncombed Hair" and thinking about that early visitor. I think she was some part of me that decided to leave. I think today I am not quite the person I was yesterday. At first I considered if that was good or bad. Now it doesn't matter. It is what it is.

Today I had so much on my plate that I forgot to get Cedar off the bus. When I got home there was a note from the police stuck in my door. "I have Cedar," was all it said. Annie called to tell me the grim details of the fate of the forgotten child. I am forgiven by one and all (but I have not polled the PD).

KAMIKAZE PIGEONS

2010-12-05T20:48:00.005-06:00

Pearl has loaned me a small artificial table top tree. I put it in the front window and how delightfully it reflects its bright beauty against the dark glass at night. The light is produced by bundles of plastic needles.

Today I began work on re-editing "Uncombed Hair", a collection of poems formerly published by Loonfeather Press. I'm going to reissue it as a kindle book. I find myself making small changes. I also find new ways to understand those early works.

Gloria and I put up lights in the 2nd floor hall window. We also put lights in the community room window and hung a wreath.

May S, "Everyone at a certain point in the pre-Christmas shuffle must long to push it all aside and think quietly about friends and loves and ways toward renewal..."

At Stillmeadow Gladys T wrote, "The air is so full of birds one could think them larger snow flakes."

The pigeons swoop in like kamikaze pilots. There are at least 20 of them now. They are quite lovely with their various colors shining iridescent as they strut across the snow.

NO REGRETS

2010-12-04T21:26:00.004-06:00

I had made a beautiful apple pie. Gorgeous! I considered taking a photo. Too vain, I thought as I slipped it into the refrigerator. To make room for the second pie, the less attractive sweet potato pie, I moved a jar of orange marmalade. It slipped from my hand and PLOP it fell, crushing the most perfect apple pie I had ever made.

Did I scream? No. Did I curse? No. I wept for 3.5 minutes. I really have no time for regrets. I wasn't going to tell... but at 4 PM I must present it to those who come to our pie party in the community room and someone will certainly ask, what happened to the pie.

Cedar and I have heard from the Elephant Sanctuary. Jenny, our favorite, died in 2006. Lottie died recently but Shirley is doing well.

The pie partY was a great success. We had several guests from outside the building. I had three guests and Dorothy had two. We ate only half the pies and no one asked for seconds. We sat around talking for almost three hours! It is strange that we don't socialize more because we really seem to enjoy gatherings. Good pie, good friends, good night.

GOLDFINCH REVENGE

2010-12-03T19:57:00.002-06:00

Cedar asked for the broom maker story but we only got to the point where the three thieves follow him and his little girl up the mountain.

I have been awake too long and at 1:30 PM I am already tired. I was unable to sleep due to painful ankle. The goldfinches were sending me pinched and crabby thoughts because there was no food for them on yesterday. This pettiness has settled in my foot. I must accept full responsibility for my pain because I failed to measure out their little seeds and feed them for a day.

Before I go to meet the bus I'm drinking a mug of green tea. We have had a conversation. "I am aware that green tea is a healthy beverage," I said into the mug. "I am sending your health benefits into all my cells. Please pay close attention when you arrive at my right eye. For you see it is quite challenged. You will find macular degeneration and a lemonade cataract. Do your duty." The tea was brief, "I always do."

Getting ready for our pie party tomorrow. I have an apple pie in the oven and a sweet potato pie ready to enter the heated chamber. Pearl is preparing a pecan pie and Gloria a pumpkin. I hope four pies will be enough for all of us.

THREE FRIENDLY WOLVES

2010-12-02T18:11:00.003-06:00

Instead of taking the Armand book to the bus stop we stood on the cold corner and I told Cedar a story I'd made up about a broom maker, his daughter and three friendly wolves.

May S had visited the Great Smokies and remembered seeing several wild deer "and the dragon tails of mist lying among the hills." Gladys Taber had enjoyed the first snowfall at Stillmeadow. "The old greystone walls silver over, the swamp wears a mantle whiter than foam."

Van Gogh the lonely genius wrote, "I shall not avoid meeting other people - neither shall I seek them." Apparently his brother Theo had written that Vincent had offended their father and urged him to repent. To this Vincent wrote, "No, I really have no time for repenting."

Last night I had supper with Pearl then we walked across the hall to play cards with Evie. Then for the first time I heard Evie complain just a very little about the arthritis that is stealing her hands, her feet, her arms, her legs. "I get angry because I cannot do the things I want to do."

A USELESS BEAUTY

2010-12-01T13:57:00.003-06:00

Nov 30. On this last day of November a dear young friend wrote on facebook that she had dreamed of me. We were together dancing in the snow with horses near us. A beautiful image for me to enjoy all day.

Cedar and I had a terrific breakfast of cheese, toast and grapes. Then to the bus stop with a new book to read. It is "The Family Under the Bridge" by Natalie S Carlson. Of our hero Armand we discovered he is an elder man of limited means. Of children he grumps, "Starlings they are. Witless, twittering, little pests." However, he welcomes adventure and I am sure it is upon this peg the tale will turn. One of the things Cedar and I appreciate about Armand is that he lives in Paris.

I knew the weather would be challenging so I decided to leave for Cass Lake at 1 instead of 2. My library program began at 4. Wallis came with me and it was fun to see her grinning from the back row. We had a small but appreciative group in the basement of the library. Some new faces and some old friends looked back at me. I had a good time.

I tried to stay up to greet Chey and Gene on their return from Seattle honeymoon but I was too tired. Under a dark sky with snow falling softly all around I slept and dreamed. I was caught up in a great task of creating a huge beaded hanging table. All night I strung beads.

Dec 1. In the morning I awakened with the great glittering cut glass creation hung before my eyes. The colors were shades of turquoise, amber and sparkling black,with silver and gold, too. It was designed to suspend a circular plate of glass. How beautiful it was. But I lamented all the hours of all the days lost in the creation of such a lovely, fragile useless thing.

I heard happy voices and got up to join Wallis, Chey and Lamaya. Soon Wallis was preparing breakfast and I held a cup of hot coffee in my aching hands. "Why do my hands hurt so much today?" I wondered. It was because of how I'd clutched the steering wheel as I'd crept toward Cass Lake the previous day. I remembered how I'd watched the great hands of the cold winter wind polish the ice before me. Then I'd held that hair thin beading needle all night. I rubbed my hands and told them, "Now we must drive home."

ICE GRIPPERS

2010-11-29T06:46:00.002-06:00

"I am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. And yet for a long time, looking back I have been unable to shake off the feeling that I have been led..." Wendell Berry.

Yesterday afternoon Kathy G called and said she had a gift for me. I walked over and she gave me two bags of cranberries because she knows I love them. I was close to Marlene's so I stopped there for a few minutes. Later as I walked homeward I thought about Paul Simon's song, "She had diamonds on the soles of her feet." Because I was wearing my ice grippers that never wear out.

Today Annie, Cedar and I were on the road again. We had to deliver a pair of moccasins fully beaded by Annie. They were stunning! It was for an elder honoring. Jim S was retiring from the NAYC. Lynn L hosted the gathering and had invited a drum with six singers. We all enjoyed a wonderful round dance. The food was really great! As we sat in a circle of about 40 people I realized that I was the only one wearing red socks. In fact all other socks were black, gray or brown. It must have been a sock standard to which I was not privy. Gifts were exchanged and since we were expecting a winter storm we got back on the road about 3:30. We ran into snow on #73 and came creeping along until we got to Grand Rapids. There the road improved and we hurried on to Deer River, arriving at 8:30.

A DEPTH OF SYMPATHY

2010-11-28T11:54:00.003-06:00

Van Gogh felt himself imprisoned by poverty, excluded from certain work and many things seemed beyond his reach. Of course, he was often melancholy, empty and discouraged. He was hungry for affection, too. "There may be a great fire in our soul, and no one ever comes to warm himself at it."

Robert Frost wrote, "Ballads lead their life in the mouths and ears of (wo)men by hear-say like bluebirds and flickers in the nest holes of hollow trees." Now there's a splendid gathering of words!

There are too many aggressive goldfinches at the window feeders. The friendly little chickadees are no longer coming.

Van Gogh, "A just or unjustly ruined reputation, poverty, fatal circumstances, adversity - they are what make men prisoners." He also named other ways to cage people. They are the prisoners of prejudice, misunderstanding, ignorance, mistrust and false shame. He often felt cut off from others, shut in, confined, buried. Did the door of his cell ever open? He escaped captivity when he experienced deep affection, friendship, being a brother, love. "Where sympathy is renewed, life is restored."

Two things surprise me about Van Gogh; one of his most recommended books was "Uncle Tom's Cabin", by Stowe, and although he was a young man he sometimes suffered with sore feet.

He had an incredible depth of sympathy toward others and although I haven't seen it in this book (so far) a profound recognition of the sacredness of all beings. A tender compassion for those who work and labor for pennies is a constant thread running through these pages.

The summer I was 11-12 an older cousin came to stay with us in Mpls. We lived on Riverside. One day I discovered him on the phone singing "The Lovesick Blues" to some girl. I was too young to appreciate his lovesick state and laughed at him. This was a nearly fatal mistake and he took to punching me when no one was looking. I told my mother he should go back to White Earth. "Why?" she asked. "Because he's trying to kill me." "Nonsense! You're always trying to make mole hills into mountains." So I started practicing how to lie in a casket. But it wasn't long when our relationship changed and he became my champion! But I almost had to die to gain his sympathy! I had to fall from the limestone cliffs of the Ms. R., dislocate my hip bones, scrape off half my face and break both arms!

WINTER FEATHERS

2010-11-27T18:02:00.004-06:00

Although I know poetry must have drama I find some poetry/poems become remote and obscure when the writer makes too great an effort toward the mystic. At some point it becomes too tedious and the reader will turn the page or close the book. Reading a poem must give me access to some new and wonderful thought or I will not expend the effort it might take to find the level of pleasure I seek in words.

Robert Frost, "Like a piece of ice on a hot stove the poem must ride on its own melting."

I do feel that some poets are asking me to climb mountains when I only wish to stroll a pleasant rise.

The goldfinches in their winter feathers have been at the feeder off and on all day. If I left the window open with a plate of seeds on the sill I might get them inside!

April 1876, Vincent Van Gogh, "At half past three in the morning the birds began to sing at the sight of dawn..." I recall a young man telling me of such an experience. I was working in the old Bemidji High School. His eyes shone and he gasped on his words as he told me of this extraordinary personal discovery. It was to him so unique he could have been the first and the last person to hear the birds raise the sun.

Pearl's daughter is in NY for two weeks so I took her shopping. I also did some sewing and washed two loads of laundry. I've been reading "Dear Theo", the autobiography of Vincent Van Gogh. I could wish the type a bit larger.

LIFE IS EVERYWHERE

2010-11-26T21:43:00.002-06:00

"And there is life everywhere. A porter with his wheelbarrow, a man who is leaning against the railing of the bridge and looking into the water, a woman in black with a white bonnet." Vincent Van Gogh. Do we see life everywhere? I try. Do I succeed? Sometimes I do!

Robert Frost has a wonderful comment for the poet. "For me the initial delight is in the surprise of remembering something I didn't know I knew." I have stumbled into revelations just like that! I didn't know where I was going and suddenly I was arrived!

I had heard "The First Noel" many times and even sung it. But I never felt it until I heard it expressed by Elvis P. He didn't tell us the shepherds were cold... he made us shiver as we pulled our tattered robes closer around us. He didn't tell us they were alone and alive without hope... he isolated us on the dark slopes and wrapped us in despair. Then he ripped the sky open and we saw the angels coming!

POETIC MYSTERY

2010-11-25T22:45:00.002-06:00

Robert Frost offered this about poetry. "Theme alone can slow us down." He also points out two poetic mysteries. 1. how a poem can have a tune. 2. how a poem can have wildness and at the same time a subject.

At 8AM we were on our way to Hayward, WI, to spend the day with Charles and family. Of course, the food was good and the children played out in the snow. The big bonus was finding granddaughter Alyssa was there. She's seven now. I'd brought a box of small plaster cast dogs and puppies with paints. Charles went out to purchase a pkg of paint brushes. I wanted them to have a concrete memory of the gathering. After dark everyone (except me) played hide 'n' seek. The seeker was armed with a light saber. Some hiders were never found! Charles was really glad to see me! We got back to Deer River quite late and I was exhausted.

SWEDISH SAUSAGE BREAKFAST

2010-11-24T19:11:00.004-06:00

I dreamed that Annie, Justice, Geezis, Cedar, Walt Scott and I were in India making a documentary to raise awareness of hunger and shelter issues. We had a jeep and trailer for carrying our equipment. Everyone rode in the jeep but me... I sat on the equipment. We visited several families and were welcomed with affectionate respect. Everyone dressed in their finest clothes and the tables were spread with an abundance of food. The household members had also prepared songs, skits and dances for us! We filmed everything. As we went along the jeep began to fail so I would have to walk uphill. Later the jeep could not move forward with me in the trailer. Walt was driving. "How far to the next stop?" I asked. "Three miles," he said. "I can walk three miles and meet you there," I declared. Then he said, "But what about the crocodiles? They frequently cross this road between the waterways." I was awake instantly, leaving Walt and everyone on a dusty road in India.

We had a terrific breakfast at the Taxxi. I had the Swedish sausage breakfast with lefsa and lingonberries. I felt very continental.

Annie and Cedar went for a swim and I caught up with the journal. Then we left for the north and reached Deer River just before the heavy snow began to fall.

A CRYSTAL FOREST

2010-11-23T09:54:00.001-06:00

I dreamed I had a dog! It was a white/blue poodle. We were having such fun! I was disappointed to wake up and find myself alone.

Annie, Cedar and I were on the road to Mpls by 1 PM. The tar got better and better as we rolled south. The ice rain had been caught in the trees. So we had a journey through a glass forest with crystal candles in the tree tops. Every tall blade of grass was also encrusted. What wonderful vistas waited over every rise.

We got lost looking for the Mpls Tech Coll witnessed a near tragedy. A young man saved himself from death or injury by leaping up on a car that was going to hit him. We all screamed as he propelled himself to safety. His strength and agility saved him.

Lynn L called via cell phone from Chicago and directed us to our destination! Our student host Lance was waiting in the foyer and took us to the auditorium. Johnny Smith from Red Lake was emcee. Four students offered their poetry, Marcie Rendon read, Bobby Wilson spoke his poems, Annie sang and I read two short poems. Then Lance took us to the cafeteria for Indian tacos. He put three tables together so we could have a party. It sure was fun! Paul T joined us and told me about his great American journey around the states and into Canada. I got a few cards from him while he was gone.

When they started turning out the lights we knew it was time to leave. Lance took us to the Hyatt Hotel. Our room was on the 20th floor. Cedar and I were mesmerized by the "bright array of city lights."

RING AROUND THE TUB

2010-11-22T20:53:00.003-06:00

Annie and I to GR to run errands, visit the library and have a good talk. It was fun to hear about her new job and the students. But Geezis has developed respiratory problems and painful knees. She will see doctor soon.

Thoreau, "I got up early and bathed in the pond; that was a religious exercise, and one of the best things I did." Bathing is a religious exercise even if done in a bathtub. Thoreau knew that, too. He said that one measures increasing character by the ring in the tub.

I decided to relax with a movie and selected an old film entitled "The Story of Seabiscuit". It stars Barry Fitzgerald and Shirley Temple. It was a predictable tale and not too interesting. One of the unexpected pleasures was seeing all those vintage cars!

Robert Frost wrote of sentences. "All that can save them is the speaking tone of voice somehow entangled in the words fastened to the page for the ear of the imagination." I love finding my ears pinned to my imagination after so many uninformed years of believing they were merely attached to the sides of my head!

THANKS FOR THE COOKIES

2010-11-21T22:38:00.002-06:00

Wallis prepared a nice breakfast, we made our goodbyes and I left when it was light. I was almost to Bena when the snow caught up to me. I was, of course, relieved when I slid into my parking slot behind Deer Crest Manor.

"So much of life is wasted in loneliness." Vincent Van Gogh.

In Steph's package there was a note to Cedar, "The blue heart necklaces are for you (the smaller) and an older bigger person to show you share the same heart song." I suggested she give it to her mother."No," she said, "I want you to have it." Oh, how blessed I am!

Thoreau, "But I retained the landscape and I have annually carried off what it yielded without a wheel barrow."

I made about 6 dozen chocolate chip cookies from scratch and carried most of them from door to door. Then I played Skip-Bo with Pearl and Evie, and I won! So Evie said, "Thanks for the cookies. Now go home." She was teasing.

TALKING AND TELLING

2010-11-20T12:17:00.003-06:00

Annie and kids did not stay at the homeless camp. It was too cold. They went home to hot chocolate and warm beds. An option the homeless do not have.

Cedar and I enjoyed a delightful morning and Annie came for her in early afternoon. Soon I was driving West and arrived at Bemidji library for first program on my Kitchigami library tour.

I'd left a note on Wallis' door telling her that I'd be back to spend the night if she had a bunk for me.

The new branch manager is Paul, he fills B-C's former position. He gave me a quick tour and explained the set up. Later I just wandered up and down between the rows of books. I recalled a day when I challenged Brandon to find the smallest cook book in the library. And he did.

After an hour of telling and talking, singing and dancing... I was worn out and used up. As I was leaving several people wanted to talk. One young man is learning Greek so I gave him my book bag from Greece (Angeline). Most of the other people wanted to thank me and touch hands. But one man wanted to know more about Leonard Peltier. I was walked out to my car by novelist Kevin McColley. We'd met several years ago at Sister Wolf in Dorset. I hadn't seen him for a long time so we had a brief and pleasant chat.

I got back to Cass Lake before the snow came. Lamaya was also out seeking shelter. So we three had a three generations slumber party.

MOUNTAIN, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

2010-11-19T20:49:00.003-06:00

My dear and precious friend, Larry Cloud Morgan, wrote a poem about facing the fourth hill of our elderhood. "Our dreams must tell us what we cannot speak, Like footprints to Ishpiming (heaven) Weaving the winds to sing Fanning the stars to shine Lighting the trail to the sacred mound Where we say 'Mountain, you are beautiful And I am not afraid'." I see Larry on the other side holding his hands out to us. "Don't be afraid", he says in his soft and gracious way.

I received two parcels in the mail. Steph sent a lovely wooden box from Honduras with a collection of costume jewelry for Cedar and me to share. Angeline sent a small jar of mushrooms from France and fig biscuits. I love mushrooms. Both Cedar and I love figs.

The maintenance man arrived to repair the kitchen drawer and the closet door. He is a pleasant, cheerful, courteous young man. Also efficient, energetic and enthusiastic about getting things back into proper working order. Not everyone enjoys their work as much as he does.

I got Cedar after school and she will spend the night as Annie and the big kids went to the homeless camp in GR. Cedar and I worked on the bird puzzle. She assembled the blue jay, two cardinals, four chickadees and a cedar waxwing.

We read a story about an elephant named Shirley who now lives at the Elephant Sanctuary in TN. We found it on the web. There was a profile of Shirley but none for her friend Jenny. So we wrote to the director. Cedar mailed the card. We look for a timely response.

GOODBYE HERSHEY

2010-11-18T16:33:00.004-06:00

I heard Scott Hall talking about my upcoming Kitchigami library tour on KAXE this morning.

May S was happy! "Oh, What a rare friend is she (Susan) with whom I can share poetry." I have just such a friend! Sharon Saxton also enjoys poetry. We have shared verses, exchanged names and even fell in love with the same dead poet at the same time! In Barbara's Mallard Island album 2010 there is a photo of me reading to Sharon. She sits in rapt attention and I see a childlike quality upon her. I was reading A.E. Houseman, about the athlete who died young. We shared a cabin and often read to each other at night. But the photo makes it clear that we both love poetry and we also enjoy a loving friendship.

In his winter journal Thoreau wrote, "Still grows the vivacious lilac a generation after the door and lintel and sill are gone, unfolding its sweet-scented flowers each spring..." He further describes the lilac as "tender, civil and cheerful." In my wanderings I have often come upon lilacs in a field and after a brief search find evidence of old houses and sheds. I have wondered who planted the roots, added water to the soil and nurtured them along until they grew taller than a man then crowded the sky above the house.

Wallis and Gerry gave come and gone twice today! I have carried my pies from door to door and no one said, "Skat with that!"

There has been a death in our building.Pearl has been crying all day. She had her lovable cat Hershey euthanized. Hershey was 15, had an internal growth and was unable to keep food down. I went down to tell Dorothy that Coco is now the official pet mascot of Deer Crest Manor and offered my services as dog walker.

ANTICIPATE JOY

2010-11-17T21:56:00.002-06:00

When May S awakened on Thursday, Nov 18, 1982 she wondered what joy she would find in her day. As I consider tomorrow I expect the joy of Cedar's early arrival. Also, my daughter Wallis and niece Geraldine are coming. I made two pies in anticipation of visitors. A pumpkin and a cherry. I promised Gloria and Ed a slice of cherry tomorrow.

Every morning six pigeons come flapping out of the south. They follow a path through the sky. Then they swoop up to the roof. They always roost over my window. After a few minutes they leave together with a great commotion as if overtaken by a sudden alarm. So I have begun to call my little tree top flat by a new name. Pigeon's Roost. It suits me... for now.

Thoreau: "When the ponds were firmly frozen, they afforded not only new and shorter routes to many points, but new views from their surfaces of the familiar landscape around them." When Brandon was quite young I took him out on the ice of Steamboat Lake. Then we laid down and looked up into the bright sky. I remember feeling very small and insignificant. After a long time I began to feel cold and said we should go home. He didn't more. He told me he wanted to stay. I said I'd wait for him at the shore. So I walked back alone. After every 20 steps I'd look back at him. He soon became a dark spot on an enormous field of white. At the tree line I made myself comfortable and waited. At last he got up and waved his arms.When he got off the lake we stood looking out at the place we had been. Then we went home for toast and soup.

SNOW BIRDS

2010-11-16T20:53:00.003-06:00

My mother always enjoyed those little snowbirds. She'd squeal with delight when they fluttered up as we rode past. Now it's my turn to point them out to Cedar with the same joy my mother expressed when she pointed them out to me.

May S wrote in 1982, "The November evenings are somber, but I love the smells, damp leaves and salt from the ocean."

Thoreau left good words for my consideration. "See those clouds; how they hang! That's the greatest thing I have seen today."

The greatest thing I've seen today was little Cedar turning to smile and wave from the second step of school bus #17. What's the greatest thing about your today?

NICK OF TIME

2010-11-15T19:38:00.003-06:00

Cedar had injured her toe and couldn't wear her shoes so she spent the day with me. I put a cartoon on for her while I did 2 loads of laundry and sewed up a lot of Seminole patchwork.

"Snow settles Over the nettles. Where is the voice I heard crying?" Edna St Vincent Millay. But today it is Thoreau who feeds my spirit. "In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick, too, to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line."

The velcro tabs on Cedar's jacket were so fuzzed up they didn't close. So we each took a tweezers and plucked them clean. It really was fun! We laughed and made silly jokes. We also retrieved the bird feeder which had fallen from our second floor window. As we gathered the fallen objects Connie opened her window and we had a brief chat. I wonder how often she finds a visitor at her window?

Last Friday I took Cedar to see the endangered animal babies, cubs of the big cats. We made a $2 donation. Cedar was disappointed that she couldn't enter the cages. Later in the car she sulked. I said it would be nice if she thanked me. But she went on pouting. When we got back to the flat and I had forgotten her bad mood she came to me and softly said, "Thank you, Gramma, for taking me to see the endangered babies." I said, "I was glad to do it. I want us to enjoy our time together. I love you very much." She smiled and nodded, "I know."

A ROUNDUP LETTER

2010-11-14T22:47:00.003-06:00

May S wrote in her journal on the 13th, "All I ask is to write poems." She was trying something new, a series of prose poems entitled "Letters from Maine".

Meridel LeSueur wrote her strong opinion concerning violence. "Now from city to city the real source of violence in American life was naked - the violence of corporate wealth able to starve you, control your jobs, your life, your being. This is the true violence."

I cut the 10 yards of fabric I'd sewn into 36X4 inch strips into 1 1/4 inch pieces. I have quite a stack! But I didn't sew.

Gloria came over with a piece of cake for me. Ed and Randy were visiting in their flat so she came over to visit me in my flat. Later Dale came with a check for Wallis. Then Marlene called and we went out for dinner.

When I got home I worked on the puzzle, read some from "A Lesson Before Dying" and watched a movie. "The Jackie Robinson Story" has not been restored so it looks and sounds just like the movies I saw when I was quite young. It has black lines and white spots on the film. Bits of dust and hair can be seen around the edge of the picture. The music is too slow and the background noise sounds like someone frying eggs. Robinson played himself. It tries to tell how racism kept black athletes out of professional sports. They say he broke the color barrier for other black athletes. I'd like to know more about him.

I worked on a roundup letter, too. But since I have no printer I e-mailed it to those who had written to me in longhand and had mailed the letters and cards by snail-mail. Two on the list had no e-mail so I will write them tomorrow.

FIRST SNOW

2010-11-13T19:04:00.003-06:00

This morning the mail box offered a card, a personal letter, a gift certificate and a letter from Social Security. The official letter was slashed with yellow highlighter. The yellow sentences screamed up into my ignorant face, "Now read this and understand!" Some such letters are marked with a tiny x to indicate where your attention is needed. The x is less pugnacious.

I have begun reading "A Lesson Before Dying" by Ernest Gaines. I'd opened the book with a cup of hot coffee beside me. The pages held my attention in a firm grip and when I turned to the coffee I found it had grown cold and exceedingly bitter.

Kathy G called. She needed a ride to the grocery store. I needed a few things, too. Later as I waited for her, I stood beside the car. I noticed a tree full of dark birds. I wondered what they were singing as the snow began to fall. I walked closer and they fluttered to the ground to fill their gizzards with wild seeds. They were clearly excited! They whistled, creaked, chortled and a sweet pipe was heard among them.

It's been snowing all afternoon and the ground is covered. The leafless trees are iced with white frosting.

My friend Cash had a Q. "How do animals find us? Do you suppose it's our unpleasant body odors"? I considered this for a moment and decided, "They find us by the color of our breath rising up into the sky."

LIFELONG FRIENDS

2010-11-12T21:54:00.003-06:00

Wallis is on the move again. She's returning to our old house. She'll be closer to her grands and has lifelong friends nearby. I'll miss having her to bum around with. Chey and Gene are exploring the idea of moving to Seattle.

I put most of my 'new' puzzles in the community room shelves and packed a box of 'old' puzzles for Anita. I'll start assembling a Christmas wreath puzzle as soon as I finish the one that's on the table now. If I find it quite festive I'll glue it together and put it up near my door. If it's not festive enough I will embellish it with beads and bows.

I got my orthotics (sp) today. There had been some discussion of reconstructive surgery but I want to try the braces. The bones in my feet and ankles are going away. I'm good for 2-3 blocks and then I need to sit. The braces will keep me upright and reduce the pain of walking. No, they are not Frankenstein boots. I'm breaking them in... or are they breaking me in? I wore them for a couple of hours today and can feel the rest of my body adjusting. The doctor suggested that I find a ground level flat or a place with an elevator. But the stairs are actually easier with the braces. I never dreamed that I would outlive my feet!

THE STORM CRONE

2010-11-11T21:24:00.003-06:00

Armistice Day... Day of Peace... End of War. "Global consciousness, a global world. Not a global imperialism, but human collectivism; not cultural imperialism, but global consciousness of new human relationships... global solidarity." Meridel LeSueur.

When I was a child I was told again and again. Reminded beyond forgetting. "You were born the winter of the great storm." So I was conscious of being a storm baby, I grew into a storm child and after many years I have become a storm crone.

Joyce Sutphen, "Alone let me listen closer to the day, let me hear the wind between the leaves."

Today I got my new eye glasses. It will take time to become accustomed to the ridge that slashes my vision. It's like looking through a plate of cracked ice. I must wait for it to thaw into seamless crystal.

Melanie's bouquet has become almost a companion. I have come to rely on its joyful presence.

FORTIFIED

2010-11-10T20:47:00.002-06:00

I knew there would be an emotional letdown today so I have fortified myself against any disappointment. But the party continues! A call came from Chey and Gene in Seattle wishing me a good day. The mail brought two more cards and a pkg. E-mails are still arriving, too. The pkg from Sharon H contains a copy of Barbara L's wonderful album of photos from our Mallard Island adventure of 2010. It's a lovely collection of images. Thanks Sharon.

May S was enjoying one of the luxuries of a successful writer's life. "I sat there watching it (day) fade (into dusk), and the coming and going of wings in the air at the bird feeders. It was peaceful."

Today I opened "What Do We Know", Mary Oliver. On page 41 she asks, "What would you like to see again?" The answer, "My dog: her energy and exuberance, her willingness..." So I decided this collection must go on a journey to Sharon S. Just 2 days ago she had her dear and loyal black lab, Katy, euthanized. How lonely my dear little friend must be today.

What would I like to see again? Blue Canyon in AZ. What would you like to see again?

I'm reading a biography of Marilyn Monroe by DH Wolfe. I appreciate how he expresses her as an intelligent, sensitive, passionate artist. A woman of emotional depth and breadth who was adored by her public but often misused and abused by the people around her.

Mel came over after work with a lovely selection of cut flowers! She didn't want to stay so we stood at the door and had a brief conversation. I gave her 3 decks of playing cards for The Boys and Girls Club. She will put them to good use.

PROVOKING THE FUTURE

2010-11-09T22:34:00.005-06:00

A huge box arrived from Florida today. Inside were 21 jigsaw puzzles. It must have been a puzzle just packing them into the box. Thanks Laura! They will get me through the long Minnesota winter. Thanks Anita!

My new motto will see me through the next 10 years. It is "Provoking the future!" It starts tomorrow when I wake up.

My first phone call of the day came from Wallis. She was joined by the sweet voice of Lamaya in singing a celebratory happy birthday duet. It was just beautiful!

Yesterday Lamaya, 5, witnessed a horrendous episode of animal cruelty. It's been bothering me off and on all day. So I went for a late walk to dust off my thoughts. As I stepped along I smelled cigarette smoke and, looking around, saw a husky man dressed in a uniform standing in the shadows. "Friend of foe?" I asked. (I wanted to say, "Saxon or Celt".) He replied, "I'm on duty." With renewed confidence I continued along the dark road. At the end of that dirt road is the tar street and the rest of the way is well-lit. I enjoyed the playful leaves tumbling along. Their dry delicate whispers were like messages from summer.

What a year this has been and next year, which begins tomorrow, will be as dear... or more dear.

FAMOUS INDIANS

2010-11-08T21:51:00.006-06:00

Last night I went to sleep wondering how to assemble a short strip of fabric into Seminole patchwork. This morning I awakened with the solution. Chevrons. Sleep on it, they like to say. And so I have. Our minds must be busy all the time.

Thoreau wrote, "Instead of calling on some scholar I paid many a visit to particular trees." I know of no scholar that would select my company but many trees have welcomed me to share an hour, or a day in their glad company.

May S had made an important decision at 70. "To make every effort to live in eternity's light, not in time." She had given up on a love affair but would turn her attention to poetry as if nothing else mattered.

Saige got his first deer on the first day of the 2010 season on his first deer hunt!

The chevron idea works! I started with about 2 feet but the cut sew cut sew process reduced it to 8 inches.

Birthday cards have been arriving. Sharon H called to say a package is in the mail.

Mel and I went to Bemidji. We wanted to see a film at the Native American Resource Center, BSU. They showed "Smoke Signals". It was fun to see John Trudell, Gary Farmer, Jim Boyd and other famous Indians on the huge screen. But after Mel saw Elaine Miles driving backwards across the reservation she thought we might try it. Fortunately she came to her senses before she could get the car in reverse.

TWO OLD HEROES

2010-11-07T19:31:00.004-06:00

"Autumn is a fine season... At night there is the high wedge and honk of birds flying south... making the woodpile grow..." Some words from Meridel LeSueur... and me. Thoreau had spent many days "trying to hear what was in the wind..." Then Yeats offered his advice, "Never give all the heart For everything that's lovely is But a brief, dreamy kind delight..."

Sewed 10 yards of fabric strips for Seminole patchwork. Will try to find time to cut tomorrow. Perhaps assemble and sew a bit, too. It's a long process. But beautiful results. Also baked ginger cookies. Cedar likes them.

I dreamed that I opened the door and found Robert Duvall standing on the welcome mat. "I come to help you move," he said. I looked him up and down. I thought, "He couldn't move a box of feathers." He laughed in that embarrassed way he has and said, "Well, I brought a friend who is big and strong." In stepped Sidney Poitier. He was very young and dressed in a dark suit, white shirt and tie. He had just stepped out of the old movie, "To Sir, With Love". I had to tell them the truth. "I'm not moving at this time." They both smiled and bowed. I closed the door on two old heroes.

A QUIET DESPERATION

2010-11-06T22:09:00.004-05:00

In my dream I was walking down a dirt road. It was dark but for the stars. I didn't know where I was but I knew where I was going. My right ankle was hurting. Suddenly I heard someone walking behind me and turned to find a horse following me. He asked, "Wanna ride?" "Yes, a ride would be well appreciated. I'm going home," I said. He got down so I could get on his back. At first I enjoyed riding through the night but I was not getting home. I told the horse to stop and let me down. The horse did not speak but kept going. I knew it was a dream so I woke up and found myself at home and no horse in sight.

Gladys T was focused on personal gratitude because she found it "too easy to let the world's trouble sweep over one in a dark flood..." Well we know what Thoreau would tell us. "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Ed got Gloria and I each a mechanical parrot. It dances and it sings. It has a recorder and repeats what it hears. Cedar is going to have fun with it.

ALLAN HOUSER

2010-11-05T21:23:00.006-05:00

May S had only one word for today (1982), "Dismal". Gladys T was giving her books away, as am I. She wrote, "I find this a great emotional upheaval. Every book was somebody's dream once..." She went on to say that each book represented struggle, anguish, joy and pain. Thoreau wrote, "Every man (woman) looks at his (her) woodpile with a kind of affection." Yes, I have loved many and many woodpiles. I couldn't help myself. They had so much to offer. I still love a good pile of wood when I see it... so full of promises of warm days and cozy nights.

HH Humphrey, "A man without a job, without any opportunity to care for himself and his family develops a sense of bitterness and rejection." For many who are poor... their friends are poor... they may live in poor neighborhoods, depressed communities, a culture of poverty.

At the library today Cedar and I got a printed list of Hans Christian Anderson's published stories. There are 27 on the list and we have read 4. So we have many more pages to turn with Cedar snuggled close against me... images dancing through her mind.

When we were in NM several years ago we visited Allan Houser's sculpture garden. We took many photos. As I was leaving, one of the young men gave me a small chair he'd made from broken bits of bronze. Then about 2 months ago I found an old book entitled "Blue Canyon Horse" written by Ann Nolan Clark, illustrated by Allan Houser. When I did a residency at the Museum of the American Indian in DC Houser's work was on exhibit. I visited it daily... usually more than once a day. The stone nations were so warm, alive and communicative.

BY-PRODUCTS OF POVERTY

2010-11-04T20:38:00.003-05:00

Unemployment in MN is nearly at 10%. HD Thoreau wrote of poverty. "Some of you... are poor, find it hard to live, are sometimes, as it were, gasping for breath." He referred to it as an "ancient slough". JC said, "The poor are always with us." The by-products of poverty include shame, misery, degradation, poor health care, hopelessness. There is also hunger, desperation, crime and even domestic violence.

My grandmother made good meals from cans of horse meat. But one night my grandfather slammed his fist into the table and said, "I will not eat dog food again." He put on his jacket and left the house. My Gramma and I ate in silence. Just before bedtime he returned, embraced both of us and a ate a plate of meatloaf made from horse meat.

Poverty is a terrible burden for a family to bear. Poverty is often expressed in statistics that try to separate it from humanity.

I went to the Eye Q in GR and have heard that my left eye is somewhat improved but the right eye is worse. New glasses next week. I shall fling myself into reading!

A HOUSE ON THE SIDE OF A HILL

2010-11-03T21:24:00.003-05:00

Gladys T, "For one Thoreau there is a mort of best-selling books, ephemeral as mayflies." Now for a word from our friend Henry. Sir, can you tell us about your abode? "My house was on the side of a hill, immediately on the edge of the larger wood, in the midst of a young forest of pitch pines and hickories, and half a dozen rods from the pond, to which a narrow foot path led down the hill." Oh, I can see it! I can feel the narrow path under my feet!

Pearl made cake and I took it door to door for her. Later I went to the Redd Shedd and had lunch with Wallis. She's going to CL for a few days.

To celebrate my 7th decade I have adopted a new motto. "Kiss me goodbye." Justice has held it to his heart. I'm so pleased to be taken seriously by a 17-yr-old grandson. Chey and Gene are leaving for Seattle tomorrow. What an adventure for them!

I'm listening to "The Love Songs of Italy" and I feel that I want to cry. Nevertheless, I'm going to add some of them to my i-tunes collection on the pc. Because, you see, "I know what it is to be young." Orson Welles.

Today I read "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" to Cedar and she asked who wrote it. HCA I told her. "He also wrote 'Thumbelina' and 'The Little Mermaid'." Then Cedar added, "And 'The Ugly Duckling' and 'The Little Match Girl'.' Isn't she a wonderful child! How fortunate for us that we can be together at this time. I at the end of my earth journey and she at the beginning.

CRADLE WILL ROCK

2010-11-02T20:21:00.004-05:00

"Peace is too expensive!" from "Cradle will Rock". Yes, the script implies, the market rises on the wings of war and every wo/man has her/his price... of does s/he? I did know that Orson Welles is often portrayed as arrogant and verbally brutal. But I did not know he was a creative genius of great cerebral capacity and high courage. What an impact this movie makes.

Gladys T, "We like to eat down by the pond..." and so would I. Verlyn K urges us to be ready to part with the days that have passed and so I shall. "Going into winter takes confidence," he tells us.

I feel quite clever because I was able to post "Grandmother's Gift" to Amazon and it will be ready for Kindle in 24 hours. Also I joined the old VHS player and the tiny portable DVD player. Now I can view both on VHS. I am unable to get the DVD audio to VHS but it's fine for me and Cedar does not complain.

We returned from Grand Rapids under a bright rose-red sky with a full rainbow over us.

GHOST GEESE

2010-11-01T21:02:00.005-05:00

Gladys T wrote, "Some of the days in November carry the whole memory of summer." Keats asks, "Where are the songs of spring?" Verlyn K had watched snow fall "out of a goose gray sky". He felt he'd fallen far behind the season. I feel that I've fallen behind, too. With no hope of catching up. But I opened a random book to a random page and read a few random words by Sue Monk Kidd. "I felt a lavish sweep of happiness..." What does that stir in me? What does that stir in you? On this first day of Nov 2010 I look back over a long collection of moments swept by happiness. Yes, it's all there. Surely the future holds more such moments.

When the bus stopped the door folded itself open, Cedar leaped out and flew to my embrace. We took her backpack and jacket to the flat and left for a tour of the neighborhood. We plucked four soft lamb's ears and caressed them with utmost tenderness. We discovered a fuzzy dandelion snuggled in the grass. "Go away!" it begged. "I am the last of my kind." But falling to one knee Cedar snatched it up and blew the seeds away. They danced lightly on a golden breeze and promised to return multiplied. Then I pointed out a tall grass seed head that looked like a tiny squirrel tail. Cedar was delighted! Then I showed her where the silver maple had dropped its chamois-sided leaves. I'd seen them on a moonlit night and thought a gaggle of ghost geese had left their pale tracks all about. I picked up two perfect goose steps and walked them up the sky. Cedar laughed and so did I. Farther along we came upon a few flaming Japanese maple leaves caught in the grass. Of course, we set them free.

LOVE IS SHORT

2010-10-31T21:42:00.003-05:00

The birds have not yet found the thistle seed feeders. One chickadee expressed a bit of interest. Just a long curious look... but he wondered at it. For it had appeared suddenly and was worthy of a brief survey.

Another Q has been asked. "Which US president would you invite to dinner?" I would ask Pres. Franklin D Roosevelt... but not without Eleanore.

I just found out that Gary Snyder wrote a poem about "The dead by the side of the road." He'd found a fawn hit by a truck, took it home and made stew for Halloween.

One day as I drove to Cass Lake to visit my mother the car in front of me hit a partridge. I stopped, picked it up and took it to Mom. She cleaned it, cooked it and we at it thankfully.

Pablo Neruda tells us what we always knew. "Love is so short, forgetting is so long." Love has so many beautiful faces. It carries us to such incredible places. Love swims, it flies, it dances and it sings. But I have also discovered it weeping in the dark corners of sour dreams.

THE ROLLER SKATE KEY

2010-10-30T23:02:00.005-05:00

Our bright and fragrant day has darkened and great clouds have gathered over Deer River MN. But somewhere within I have hoarded enough sunshine to warm my spirit. It casts a golden glow around me. I take it with me through the day.

KAXE asked a Q. "What would you bring back from your past?" After an amazingly brief consideration I said, "My roller skate key." Why? It helped me get away from my mother's watchful eye. It locked my shoes to the magic wheels that carried me down the block, around the corner, across the street and away. It was my personal key to adventure.

This evening we went to Tom and Missy's annual Halloween party. Who was there? Beauty, Spiderman, The Princess Fairy, The Tooth Fairy, The Corpse Bride, The Elegant Lady, Mortessia Addams, a witch, a teenage vampire, a doctor, a nerd, a punk hoodlum and a chip 'n' dale dancer,

We played Bingo until everyone had won a prize. Then we played a cover-all and Marcellus was the big winner. Later the pinata was shattered by the teenage vampire.

Barton Sutter has a "Halloween on Hennepin" poem in his collection, page 49. I read it once and agreed to feel sorry for Father Hennepin because "He thought the Indians were pagan."

THE FEATHERED CAPE

2010-10-29T22:15:00.003-05:00

I've put Mary Oliver aside and have opened "The Book of Names", Barton Sutter. I found a compelling image of a man kneeling at the water's edge drinking his reflection. "When I am done. I am still there." Of course, the reflection I drink is my own... just as you drink yours.

Just now I am enjoying Johan Strauss but Mozart is waiting his turn.

I gave Wallis the felt 'feathered' cape that Brandon used to fly about in. I'm giving his bird mask to Maddie. Wallis will give the cape to Marcellus. I'm sending the Fog Woman mask to Flo H. I'll keep Crow's ankle bells for a bit longer.

Many years ago Brandon gave his beaded velvet vest to Sandy Gotchie and he wore it to all the pow-wows. It was wonderful to see the vest being danced. Now Sandy is gone to the other side, too. So I wonder who will dance the vest or will it be packed way and forgotten?

Wallis and I left early for errands in Grand Rapids. We also visited the library. Then home I hurried to meet Cedar's bus. As she relaxed beside me I read "The Little Match Girl". I told her it was written by Hans Christian Anderson and asked if she remembered another story by HCA. Before I filled my lungs she replied, "The Ugly Duckling".

Later Pearl and I went to the Lion's hamburger supper at the Vet's Club. It was fun for us to get out together. We took an extra meal to Evelyn, who had been feeling poorly and stayed home. After she'd eaten and showered we all met at Pearls for 3 hands of Skip Bo. It was swell! Sometimes we'd all talk at the same time. Then we'd all stop talking and laugh.

SEEKING TO BE ROUND

2010-10-28T18:17:00.002-05:00

I have seen the small white stones waiting alone under the moon. They turn their pale faces upward as I pass. They have scattered themselves down the gravel road. They are frequently seen on the edge of the lake where the waters wash away their sharpness. It is a gentle process... this seeking to be round.

Stephanie called early with a question which I answered by telling two stories from my past.

It happened one day that I fell asleep in the middle of Rabbit's dinner. I was awakened by snow falling on my face. I opened my eyes to find myself surrounded by hungry rabbits. I wondered at their fearlessness. But just then they fled in unison and disappeared as quickly as a sneeze.

On another occasion I sat in a deer bed trying to act like a deer. Two curious does stepped from the trees to watch me. One came closer and closer on her shining black hooves. Step by step she advanced. Then the other doe stamped her foot and made such a fuss that Stepping Deer turned and walked slowly back to the trees. Soon I was alone again.

This morning I dreamed that I had gone to a domestic violence event at a large gloomy building in a crowded community on a cold wet night. Inside the building I became confused and asked various people for direction. No one seemed to know what I was talking about. At last I discovered a small hand printed note on a dark wall which directed me to the proper lobby. Several information booths had been set up. I took many posters and handouts to pass on to those who could not attend. Inside the auditorium I found a small gathering of women. I put the posters on a seat. Then I removed my iridescent mauve robe and spread it on a seat to dry. I sat down expecting to hear a parade of speakers. A woman rose from the front row and took center stage. She was somehow familiar but her face was out of focus. She was not tall. She was slightly overweight and poorly clothed. In fact, she was wearing my navy blue sweater. She looked out at us and I was filled with a profound sorrow. Then she began to sing. Her voice rose above us then fell upon us in great scalding drops. Then the drops cooled to a gentle rain. At last her voice crumbled like old roses and petals tumbled all around. I wanted to stand and shout, "Bravo!" But I could not move. I could not speak. I woke up slowly with the beautiful opera still in my ears and the fragrance of roses covering my bed.

KISS ME GOODBYE

2010-10-27T21:53:00.003-05:00

Pablo Neruda asks, "Is a dictionary a sepulchre or a sealed honeycomb?" Just a sliver of a thought from Mary O, "...to be wild and perfect for a moment..." If I pluck those moments from a lifetime, will they fill a boxcar, a barrel or a thimble?

Gloria and I have got Halloween fever and have been decorating the corridor into something ghoulish. We are already making our T-day plans and talking about Christmas.

I made a blueberry wheat bran coffee cake today and listened to Patty Kakac sing her wonderful songs. Her lyrics are exceptional and well-chosen. I have several of her CDs.

When we went to White Earth long ago for a Camp Justice reunion no one knew how to operate the can opener. We would have starved if B-C had not arrived and showed us how to operate the contraption. Many of those old justice seekers are gone now. Yes, and many more to follow.

I carried the garbage out and found the night was good for walking. So I carried a care package over to Kathy's. Well, it was very dark, wet, windy and cold. It was a bit more of a test than I was looking for. But I am home now and dry and warm and cozy, too.

I watched that "Maverick" movie. It's pretty old but I'd never seen it before. It was sooo funny.

Marlene is going to Sandy Gotchie's funeral tomorrow. He and his son drowned while setting net in Ball Club Lake. One of my school friends made the journey a couple weeks ago. Margaret Robinson. I saw her last at the LL Vet P-W. I didn't know it was our goodbye kiss. We had a good laugh that day.

THE CHOCOLATE KISS

2010-10-26T20:34:00.005-05:00

Wallis had an appointment in Cass Lake. Then we visited the USFS and asked Ronnie H if she had anything for free. She graciously rolled out the treasures and we got a wonderful selection of fun stuff for Cedar, Lamaya and Marcellus. We got posters, too. I put mine out in the hall for all us 2nd floor residents of Deer Crest Manor to enjoy.

Pablo Neruda wants to know, "Is it true that swallows are going to settle on the moon?" Then he wonders if the moon swallows will migrate in autumn. Where would such fantastic birds spend the winter? I ask myself.

Mary O also has questions. "Now that I am free to be myself, who am I?"

Last night as Mel and I returned to Deer River in the dark I confessed my addiction to cranberry sauce. She offered me her opinion. "This is not an addiction. It just happens that you are very fond of cranberries." "But wait!" I cried. "There's more. Every night at 8PM I crave chocolate. I pace the flat like a starving beast. I don't dare keep a bag of in my flat. I will devour it with ugly greed." She replied, "A bit of chocolate does no harm." "I cannot be satisfied with just a bit. Furthermore, the craving never arrives in the morning or at noon. But only at night." "You should not deprive yourself of such a small pleasure. You must purchase a generous bag and give it to someone in the building to keep. At 8PM you will go to them and request a single piece of chocolate... no more." "Yes, yes," I agreed. "I shall designate someone to be the keeper of the chocolate. Each night I shall request and receive one kiss of chocolate and I shall be satisfied!" Then she turned to me, her pale face shining in the darkness and said, "In my closet I keep a bag of chocolate chips. Three will make one chocolate kiss." Oh, we laughed the miles away.

But at 4:30 today as I waited alone in my car a terrible sorrow came upon me. The fierce wind rocked the car, the rain slapped hard against the glass and the foggy windows seemed to isolate me from the world of joy. There was something ominous in the heavy clouds pressing over me. It was as though a lifetime of grief had been rolled up in a cloth and an unseen hand was pressing it into my throat. For just one horrible moment I was choking on all my old forgotten heartache. Then it was gone... as suddenly as it had come. I was left to wonder.... and at 7:30PM I am wondering still.

QUICK WINGS

2010-10-25T23:18:00.004-05:00

Pablo Neruda asks darkly, "Do you believe that ahead of you grief carries the flag of your destiny?" In some old stories destiny was carried in the mouth of a fish, a glass slipper or a streetcar named desire. Remember the blind street vendor in "Stones for Ibarra"? He sold lottery tickets. He waved them against the sky and said, "Here is your future. Here in my hand."

Mary O wants to know, "What happens to the singing birds when they can't sing anymore? What happens to their quick wings?" Such difficult questions for this gloomy morning. Yesterday these trees were full of singing birds but their quick wings have carried them away.

Verlyn K saw "the way the season swells within us."

In PM Mel and I off to the Rief in Grand Rapids to hear the Vienna Boys Choir - Shubert Choir. It was quite lovely from first note to last. The choir leader is from Peru and seemed naturally warm and respectful toward the boys. It happened that such concerts had been reserved for royalty. Now they are here in Grand Rapids singing for a less than regal group which included at least one Ojibwe grandmother. A white moth danced over us. From lamp to lamp it fluttered.

Behind closed eyes I savored The rise and fall of young voices Swelled against expanding walls And high to heaven ceiling. Around me a thousand hands Burst into exuberant applause. A small white moth With wings too thin to shadow The bright faces below, Fluttered from lamp to lamp Dancing her silent tribute To Mozart, Shubert and Icochea.

LIBERACE REJOICES

2010-10-24T22:18:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I went through my theater box again. It's been a long, step by step process but it's nearly empty now. I'm having trouble giving up the masks and wigs. They seem more personal because they are such intimate beings. They were each created to reflect a certain character. Although a few if them were quite adaptable.

Ellie and Karen brought a VHS player and a bag of tapes. So today I am going to fit that into my small flat. The jungle chair has got to go. I pulled the AC out and replaced the insulation.

Went after Wallis. Then out to Annie's for barn chores.

Pablo Neruda wants to know, "Where can you find a bell that rings in your dreams?" I want to know how would such a bell be transported into a dream?

Mary O wrote a poem for "October". Keats wrote a poem to "Autumn". I am so glad for the words they put to paper. Because this morning when I opened my eyes and found myself still alive... I wondered "Why?" But Keats and Oliver have shattered my strange melancholy with their gracious words. I had been been living like a dead woman! Mary O, "Look, I want to love this world as though it's the last chance I'm ever going to get to be alive and know it." Just think... you can be alive and not even know it! That's how it was this morning.

Today Gloria and I arranged a seating/lounge area at the west end of our hall. She has plants and I added the jungle chair. It's lovely. Her husband Ed was the first to try it out.

But wait! There's more! Today is Gloria's birthday and I gave her my Liberace jacket. She loves it! I'm feeling very splendid now. The jungle chair is happy and Liberace rejoices.

I have changed the furniture about in the living room and turned the desk toward the window. I also finished the prayer ties. Tomorrow I must do something about the paper clutter.

THE QUEEN IS EXPECTING

2010-10-23T18:51:00.003-05:00

Pablo Neruda asks, "How old is November?" I measure my years from one Nov to the next. But I have never wondered how old is Nov.

May S writes, "The sky over the ocean was almost black... and I liked it. It suited my mood, which was not rosy." Now I am wondering how many rosy days are in Nov?

"The king is out hunting, the queen is expecting a child, and so things could not be better." But I wonder what the fetus actually thinks about being born into such a family. And does the queen really enjoy being pregnant?

Karen and Ellie stopped in on their way to Bemidji. Then Gloria came over and together we went to visit Evelyn. I've had several social hours today. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between a solitary day, a lonely day and a day alone. But today was social.

Still at work on prayer bundles. I watched Sidney Poitier in "To Sir With Love" and recognized one of the other teachers. It was Patricia Routledge who plays Hyacinth Bucket in Keeping up Appearances.

Wallis and I spent a pleasant hours doing barn chores for Annie. She and kids have not returned from visit to Charles and family #3 in Hayward WI.

INTRUDERS

2010-10-22T23:23:00.005-05:00

Yesterday as I sat at the fire I recalled a couple of elder male patients in the hospital at Eagle Butte SD where I was working in the early 1960s. They shared a room and had begun calling me "Chicago". When I asked they why, they said, "Every day you come to work and walk the halls all day long." Yes, from room to room I went answering calls for assistance from the bed ridden men and women in my care. But I still didn't know why they called me Chicago. They explained further. "In three days you could walk to Chicago." I'm sure they overestimated me but I always was a good walker... until now.

May S wrote, "I believe that our chief responsibility is not to change others for the better but to change ourselves." We are all changing... more than we know. But are we better? Are we going in the right direction?

Pablo Neruda asks, "How many bees are there in a day?" Not as many as in yesteryear. Why? There are many theories but one truth. Man has pulled Earth out of balance and so we have lost our harmony.

Mary Oliver urges us to "visit the sunflowers. they are shy but want to be friends; they have wonderful stories of when they were young..." Are you a sunflower? Am I? Can we be friends?

After Wallis and I returned from Annie's it was already dark. But I walked a bag of food over to Marlene's. It's about a 4-5 block walk RT. She was not at home so I left it near her door. I walked slowly back under a beautiful full moon. As I approached the apt bldg I was stopped by a police officer and questioned. After he decided that I really did live in the bldg he explained that there had been intruders and 2 units had been robbed. One of the intruders was an Indian woman with missing teeth and a short pony tail. So of course I was suspect. Then I was told to check my apt and see if anything was missing. My 2nd floor apt had not been entered, nor had Gloria's, but Randy had lost money. On 1st floor 2 units had been entered and one robbed.

We are going to request more security.

FIELDS OF MEMORY

2010-10-21T22:51:00.003-05:00

May S had written to a friend who had lost her father. The friend said, "...a piece of my identity pulled away." Yes, that is so. When a loved one makes that journey to the other side we lose part of our SELF. We are always lonely for the one that has left us behind. But looking toward a great reunion when we make our crossing.

Today is the 5th anniversary of Brandon's departure. He'd be 22 now.

Verlyn Klinkenborg writes, "The air wears the tannic acidity of decaying leaves." I still have a small collection of leaves from his last autumn. I have some prayer ties I made as I sat beside his young and brutalized body at his wake.

I don't remember who said it and must paraphrase, too. But these words are in my thoughts again. "The dead rise up to walk the fields of memory."

I made a pot of jalapeno bean soup for Brandon's memorial feast then went to Cass Lake with Annie and kids. On our way we stopped to pick cedar leaves for the sunrise-sunset fire. LL day labor had delivered a load of wood. Gene was the firekeeper. When we got to Gene and Chey's house I hung the last bundle of prayer ties in one of the old box elder trees. The tree was shorter than me 55 years ago but raised itself high above the house by the time Brandon was born. It sheltered his childhood and now the tree is dying. Annie sat in the smoke turning jingles for Cedar's new dance dress. Chey and Lamaya had gone to a pumpkin patch near Park Rapids with Headstart.

By 5:30 we had a big crowd waiting for food. Everyone brought something and there was a lot of leftovers. Faith made the spirit dish. Terry offered a prayer of thanksgiving and gratitude for our wonderful Brandon. Wallis spoke of his journey. Shirley read a poem. Esther B told a very nice story. When I told about Brandon on the mountain, Justice came and stood beside me.

About 7:30 it was cold and dark so many had left. The tables had been cleared and dishes washed when we began to smell propane gas. Faith called the fire dept. We opened the house doors and tried to get everyone outside. We had to douse the fire, too. Soon we heard the siren and saw the flashing lights. The firemen did not find a problem with Chey's tank. They checked out Laurie's, too. Then they crossed the street. We could see the red light flashing on their gas detector. They turned off the gas, notified the homeowners of the situation and left.

Later we hurried home through a moon bright night.

BEAUTIFUL OCTOBER

2010-10-20T22:33:00.002-05:00

Well, it finally happened. I got a phone call from Elvis! He was having a party for his biggest fans. A car would pick me up. "Bring your swim suit," he said. The phone was still in my hand when the car arrived. I thought, "It will be a small party. There can't be too many of us still alive. We can talk." Suddenly we were at Graceland. There were people everywhere! I could not believe it. Then the car door opened and the driver helped me out. But the magic of dream time had happened and I was about 17. I was wearing a turquoise dress with a full skirt held out with several crinoline petticoats. The blouse had short sleeves and a Peter Pan collar. The waist was cinched and I wore white patent leather ballerinas. My hair was short but thick and curly. I didn't see Elvis or anyone I recognized. I wondered if Natalie Wood was there. It was a noisy bunch. I found the food but I wasn't hungry. The pool was so crowded no one could move. I decided to leave. The big gates were open so I left. No one said goodbye. I was still young and walking through the woods. It was bright and fragrant. I was still walking when the phone rang. It was Cedar. I haven't seen her for two days so she wants to come over after school. We can have a party! She'll want to hear about my dream.

May S had ghastly news. "Brown pelicans had been found dead... some fiend had sawed off the upper bill, so they starved to death." Why would anyone do such a horrible thing? She thought fishermen had done it to reduce competition. When B-C and I were in California we found a sick pelican. She called her brother, he called the proper authorities and the bird was rescued. I don't know if the birds was restored to health.

Gladys T wrote, "Beautiful October, I wish it could last for a year." If I could choose a month that would last all year what would I choose? I like the seasons the way they are... always changing.

J Crow had been walking through several days of rain and cold and sleet. He'd been gone for 12 years. Now he was going home. He told himself, "It won't be the way you remember it. Things will be changed. People will have died. Trees would have fallen."

A LAVENDER BOUTONNIERE

2010-10-19T22:21:00.002-05:00

In the parcel from Steph I found a pair of exquisite silver feather earrings in a small leather pouch. I've seen a lot of this style but none so very fine. They are quite detailed and truly handsome. I wore them the day they came to me.

Last night I packed a parcel for Angeline. I don't want to stuff it with old newsprint so I am sending one of my Johnny Depp t-shirts. She loves two American men... Johnny D and Clint E.

I am also trying to find a home for my Liberace jacket. It's really too elegant for fashion in Deer River. It even raised eyebrows at White Earth.

I've begun plucking my eyebrows for Halloween. I want the Mortesia Addams look of the surprised vampiress. If I can't get them shaped correctly I'll shave my brows off and pencil them in. Do not attempt to dissuade me for I am determined!

May S was haunted by a poem written by Elinor Wylie. May had been thrust "back in the country of (emotional) pain." The poem is entitled "All Souls". Gladys T was quoting Rupert Brooks. He began, "I shall desire and I shall find the best of my desires; the autumn road, the mellow wind..."

Four black bananas have been transformed into a fragrant loaf of banana bread. Perhaps I will carry it door to door tonight. I'm assured of a welcome. I have never met anyone who didn't like something fresh from the oven and homemade.

Wallis and I had supper at the Community Cafe. Annie met us there. Wallis has moved just about everything to the Redd Shedd for storage. I tied 19 prayer bundles today.

Julian H asked me to wear purple tomorrow to demonstrate support for the human/civil rights of the gay community. I have made a lavender ribbon boutonniere tied with a long violet ribbon sewn to a large green ribbon. I added a glass button to hide the stitches. It's awfully cute. I wore it today and will wear it tomorrow.

GESTAPO VISIT

2010-10-18T20:28:00.002-05:00

I heard a loud knocking on the door. Got up to see who it was. I saw 3 out of focus shadows. I knew it was a dream. The 2 men remained fuzzy and silent but the woman was clear and vocal. It was my daughter Esther. She began screaming at me with insane rage. She was so angry her hair stood on end. She has long lovely hair but as it stood out around her head she became hideous and bizarre. As she shouted I began to see her attire and recognized that she was some kind of a law enforcement official. I think it was a visit from the Gestapo.

Gladys T paints a pretty picture with words. "Nights are cold now. Twilight is brief. We eat supper by the fire." Wendell Berry turns me inward. "So help me, I heard the silence that stretched all the way from the ground underneath my window to the farthest stars, and the hair stood up on my head and a shiver came into me..."

I have found facebook the perfect tool for reuniting with family members, friends and the offspring of old friends. Connie is dear Elsie's daughter and Diane is the daughter of sweet Dana. We have already exchanged several messages and I feel truly blessed by the affection and respect of these two women from the generation of my children. Perhaps these are children who can say with Gordon Parks, "Momma's words refuse to die. Instead, they grow wings and soar. And their constant echo bleeds me dry. (Even the trees bent down to listen to her words.)"

A most remarkable and highly evolved nuthatch has been coming to the feeder. At first I thought he was daft because he pecked so vigorously at the side of the bottle feeder. But as I watched I saw that he did this to shake seeds out of the bottle and into the tray. None of the chickadees do this but they leave him alone so they can share the benefits of his extraordinary activity. So, they are all pretty smart.

I cut 62 leather circles today and will begin to make prayer bundles tomorrow.

A HOLY MANDATE

2010-10-17T22:07:00.004-05:00

Last night I watched Tom Cruise play Col Claus Von Steffaunberg who master-minded one of 12 plots to assassinate Hitler. All these attempts on the brutal dictator's life were carried out by the loyal German underground. Not loyal to Hitler but to Germany and the people. One of the quotes was, "We did it so the world would know." Know what? That not all German's supported Hitler and his gang of murderers.

May S observed, "The leaves are falling fast." We are beyond the time of falling leaves here. Only a few tired leaves are holding on. I have lived here since May so I have witnessed the life history of these particular leaves. One day I heard the trees sigh... grateful to be relieved of the burden of leaves. But in the spring they will be happy to host another generation of leaves.

Gladys T, "I think nobody dies on the Cape except by accident, because of the fish they eat." Emma Bear told me that, too. She lived to be over 100. I think tuna and sardines count.

Today we had a b-day party reunion for Annie. She is 44! But I remember her as an infant, toddler and upward. There were 15 of us. I wore pants from Tibet. Thank you Helene. I wore earrings from Lebanon. Thank you Joyce.

I also watched 3 episodes of "God in America". I find it strange that religion (the many varied forms of Christianity) played such a vital role in the formation of the organized government of the invaders. I had thought all had been founded on the natural outcome of logic and reason driven by hate and greed. As for slavery it's impossible for me to believe that the immoral and brutal bondage of human beings could be viewed as in keeping with the biblical standards of a Holy God. I was appalled to hear the slave owner quote that if a slave did not please the master the slave must be lashed. A holy mandate!

BLUE COLLAR QUILT

2010-10-16T21:08:00.003-05:00

Oh, I had the dearest dream! I was asleep in this flat and my bed. Someone was trying to wake me. Up and down and around me the small feet hurried. I peeked out and saw Sam's little hairy feet. I pretended to be asleep so he kept after me. Digging at my hair, poking his cold wet nose into my ear. It made me laugh. He got more excited and started whining. I didn't want him to bark so I said, "Okay Sam, I'm awake." He leaped off the bed and ran from the room. I got up and followed. My mother was standing in the living room. She was so young. She wore a pale rose dress with a white apron tied around her tiny waist. Her hair was short and curly. She wore no eye glasses. "Where is he?" I asked. She smiled but didn't speak. "Did you see him? She nodded. "Is he still here?" She said, "He's here but you can't see him if you don't go back to sleep." I turned and hurried back to bed. I was asleep instantly. My dreams were full of people but no more Sam.

May S offers her wisdom, "I must manage to have my real life here at whatever price..." An authentic life does not allow excess. Some activities must be abandoned. Some duties should be ignored.

Gladys T was still on the Cape. "The old weather-worn houses are silver, roses still bloom, the dark red ones against a split-rail fence have a jewel quality."

Steph H is on her way to visit Sharon S. I would have liked to go but a family reunion keeps me rooted. I am sending a gift to Steph at Sharon's address. It will be a great surprise. Shhhh.

The blue chambray skirt was dumpster bound when I reconsidered its future. The fabric is symbolic of the working class... blue collar. You know. I will save it for a project. Not a flag but a quilt... perhaps.

The package from Steph came today. It was bursting with gifts for me and Cedar.

I went out to visit the moon but had almost too much light for stars.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

2010-10-15T20:26:00.003-05:00

When I was down in Comm. Rm, at work on most recent puzzle, two pilliated woodpeckers arrived. When I returned to the flat a chickadee was enjoying breakfast at the beverage bottle feeder. May S saw birds, too. Sun. Oct. 17, 1982. "The other day I saw a ruffed grouse... the pheasant has vanished... the egrets have left the salt marsh." Gladys T enjoyed a visit to Cape Cod "to walk the great shining beaches, drive along the dune roads and watch the moon over the old unquiet ocean." Of the birds she wrote, "The gulls go over and drift on the bosom of the air and cry their piercing lovely cry."

I have been watching Sherlock Holmes as enacted by Peter Cushing. It is a collection of the only 5 episodes of the BCC's 1960 series that have survived. He was a quiet and deliberate hero. I saw the Young Sherlock last winter. At the conclusion of the movie I was so battered and exhausted I feared I might have to be carried from the theater. But I staggered forth on my own two feet... leaning on the arm of friend Aina. Did you know that Sherlock died once! The public outcry caused Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to restore his life. Now Holmes has outlived his creator. Doyle died in 1930. Holmes is alive and well.

I made a very fine upside down cake but Cedar would not eat it. So I've been up and down the halls leaving cake with all my neighbors.

Now I will enjoy "The Poetry of Langston Hughes", read by Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. I bought it at the friends of the library bookstore. It's on cassette.

Sat on the curb at the bus stop waiting for Cedar. I always have a book to read. Just now I am reading "Jayber Crow" by Wendell Berry. When the bus stopped, the door opened and there she was. My little honey girl, Miss Pineapple. She showed me her school picture. "Oh, so pretty!" I exclaimed. Later she showed them to Gloria who confirmed that she was beautiful.

Later Wallis called and needed a ride to pick up meds and mail. Then Cedar and I came back to the flat. She watched "Watership Down" on DVD.

It's almost my b-day #70. Yesterday I visited a gathering of flowers on display in a cooler. I opened the door, touched a bouquet and pretended it was mind. Mel got 2 bouquets of bright blooms for her birthday. When I asked who sent them she looked at her hands, twisted her fingers and whispered, "I did." "Mel," I said, "that's wonderful!"

THE END OF ANOTHER JOURNAL

2010-10-14T22:15:00.002-05:00

The birds have found the feeder! First to arrive was a nuthatch. Then a chickadee checked it out. More feed needed! I think I can design a feeder to hang from the edge that holds the screen in place. I also have cut a wire clothes hanger that could hold a sack of thistle seeds. I haven't figured out how to attach it for optimal bird watching. Cedar doesn't know the birds have arrived at our window feeder. She'll see it tomorrow and be amazed.

I met Wallis at GR library. First I bought some stuff in the friends book room: "The Samurai's Garden", "The Poetry of Langston Hughes" (on cassette, read by Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis), and "The Locket" (on cassette, read by Richard Thomas).

Then I got myself an early birthday gift. A 2 CD set of "The Essential Carole King". Afterwards I took Wallis out for supper.

Wallis purchased food for Brandon's 5th memorial feast. He was murdered Oct 21, 2005.

This is the end of another journal! I will send to Lynnele Shire. Tomorrow I open the 9th and last journal of my seventh decade.

LIBRARY TOUR

2010-10-13T21:53:00.002-05:00

Oct 13. It's been another complicated morning. The med bill is still unpaid but hospital will resubmit it.

Got the White Earth paper and found obit for Carrie E (53) and Kathy G (69).

May S woke up "to see a silver net (of frost) over the lawn." She saw in that the end of many things. Later when friends arrived they told her of recent travel adventures. That caused her to write, "I felt dismayed by my ignorance. But it was fun to hear about it."Gladys T found her adventure closer to home. "George's cows stand in pleasant aimlessness... as we go by. A big buck rabbit goes lippety, lippety into the thicket. A wandering country cat pauses to eye us soberly, then sleeks away on her own serious business."

I packaged up a bundle of old PEP/TAP photos for Ann C. I know she'll cherish and enjoy them.

Gloria came over to see if we could alter Ed's dress pants. He's lost so much weight he can't fit them. We decided it would not be possible to make them small enough.

I watched an old western on Netflix. It starred Glen Ford and Jack Lemon. I felt like a cowboy riding the dusty trails. I slept under the stars and drank cowboy coffee, played poker and got into barroom brawls. By the time the movie was over I was pretty beat up and needed a good bath.

Oct. 14. Gladys T writes, "There is always one moment in a day when I think my heart will break... when all the meaning of life seems distilled and caught up and you feel you can never, never bear to leave it." Oh, yes! I know how that is. It is because we love something so much it hurts. Perhaps it is that we worship a sun drenched flower... and we know we are watching it fade. For one moment it can be our whole world. Whitman saw the earth in a grain of sand and an ocean in a rain drop.

Mary O. "Passion did it, called me forth, addled me, stripped me clean then covered me with the cloth of happiness."

Dawn S called to set up a library tour. I'll present at 9 Kitchigami regional libraries in Nov and Dec. We will set the calendar soon. I'm excited! It's an opportunity to dust off some of the old stories.

THE MANDARIN MADAME

2010-10-11T21:31:00.003-05:00

May S writes, "I am fully myself... only when I am creating something."

For Gladys T it was "time to go out in the woods for butternuts and hickory nuts and hazel nuts." Here it is too late for nuts. The busy squirrels have stripped the bushes weeks ago. Every nut is now in storage for winter fetes.

I did some hand sewing today. Embellished Cedar's Halloween dress and my Elvis doll's cape.

Pearl made a fabulous Chinese supper. I got the Comm Rm fixed up like a happy little cafe. There were ten of us. My Honey Girl Cedar stayed to eat with us. Evelyn said she is a nice little girls and has so many Deer Crest grandmothers now. Gloria and I carried things back to Pearl and Evie's flats. Pearl wiped down the counters. Annie carried the heavy coffee pots and then she took Cedar home. After that Pearl, Evie and I sat and chatted. I had worn my Mandarin Madame outfit. Evie and I tried to sing "My Rosemarie I love You"! It was fun.

I gave the t-shirt I won at yesterday's drawing to Annie and Cedar wore it home..

JOGGLED MEMORY

2010-10-10T22:37:00.002-05:00

I remember Merle Haggard singing about an old couple. He said they grew more fearful as they aged. I find elder hood is a time for courage. Someone said growing old is not for sissies. I feel I am becoming a new kind of warrior! One who cannot rely on strength and speed and physical grace.

May S wrote in her journal, "I don't know how I have managed to keep at this journal, a minor kind of creation, but I have...". And so have I!

Of her garden Gladys T had this to say, "...we appreciate more the few leftovers in the garden than we do the riotous plenty of summer."

Here beside the open window I sit and listen to small bird voices as they chip away the darkness and make way for the light.

Met three of my kids and two grands plus Charlie's girlfriend Chrissy and her two children for breakfast at the VFW. It was a fund raiser for the girl's volleyball team. We put $45 in the pot. I got a couple of raffle tickets and won a t-shirt.

Wallis and I went to GR for groceries. When I got home I found a bag of four small bath towels hanging on the door. Gloria put them there. I have a terry cloth robe that always feels too short. I think I can sew two of the towels to the robe and make it long enough.

I got facebook news from Mary H. She camped near Gordon WI this summer. and met some people we know. We used to live in Gordon many years ago. I told her that I found several unmarked graves in the woods. They were outlined with huge clam shells. They were indigenous graves from long ago. I'd forgotten about that until Mary joggled my memory.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL

2010-10-09T21:42:00.002-05:00

Did you know there are 6,500 homeless female veterans? Why?

Two of May S friends had gone on a cruise and she wrote, "I feel marooned."

Gladys T is still praising autumn. "The oaks glow with a garnet fire, and all the thickets blaze with scarlet and pale gold and cinnamon. It is like the music of a trumpet."

"And I think my heart is white for its parlay with a star," Mary Cooper Black.

In the near bare trees of the aspen merry little leaves quiver in the morning chill. How excited they appear as if eager to greet the new day. The sun is not yet up but its fore glow touches the leaves with russet against a pearl gray sky.

I went to Annie's for breakfast. Son Charles, Chrissy and children were there. They were working on a jingle dress. It was a lovely day. I took a walk in the woods. Then sat on the deck with all the busy young people. Later I came home to get my sewing done. I had a project to complete for Gloria M.

Then off to Melanie's birthday party. She had a wonderful gathering of friends. I enjoyed myself so much. Mel walked me home. It was quite dark but balmy.

DANCING MAY BE DIFFICULT

2010-10-08T23:12:00.006-05:00

Oct 6. There's a cabbage shortage in Korea so some one can make a bit of money selling their surplus coveted heads.

May S had a fit of weeping on Monday "because the person it (World of Light) makes so vivid, the essence of what my life is all about, made me wildly hungry and desperate, for I have not been that person all summer. And shall I ever again?"

Gladys T reminds us, "Every season has its own glory..."

Ann O'Shaughnessy write that real art revealed, expressed and received "can be a powerful act of love."

The tall trees beyond the window are nearly leafless. Every breeze plucks a few more off the branches. They scatter below and have covered the lawn with tarnished gold.

On this delicious day I walked to the Bookmobile and checked it out. Terrific selection! I carried three movies and two books back to the flat.

Cedar lost my denim hat at school. It was hat day in first grade and I didn't want her to be out of uniform. I called the school about recovering it and I am afraid an inquisition has begun.

Oct 7. I began and completed reading "Strange Fruit, Billie Holiday Cafe Society and an early cry for civil rights". Now I wonder where I can find all the words as I think it has been whittled down to fit neatly into US political history.

May S had been out visiting and came home with "a little bottle of nasturtium vinegar". I never heard of this before. I will seek a recipe.

Gladys T found "The air is cool as an old coin teaspoon, and a faint tang of blue wood smoke spices the wind."

Spent about 1.5 hours at clinic with podiatrist. After 12 x-rays I was advised on how to improve my condition. Tomorrow I will see someone in physical therapy to be fitted for braces.

Afterwards I met Wallis at the Civic Center in GR.

A note on the mailbox said Fed-Ex had brought a package but could not leave it. Randy said he'd sign for it tomorrow.

Oct 8. May S was feeling dreary today in 1982. "A dismal rain, but it is fitting perhaps, as I am feeling emptied out and gloomy, filled with dismay at my ups and downs..." She felt constantly pulled in several directions by the needs of others. I too have left my Self behind hungry and neglected while I try to spread my energy around to others. Then something happens and I must care for my Self almost exclusively. The Self is nurtured, petted and allowed to rest and heal and be restored... for a while.

Gladys T is still enjoying autumn. "The color of the great sugar maples is so dazzling it seems I must have dreamed it."

The new laptop came today! Hooray! It is a wonderful instrument.

The denim hat has been returned.

Returned to clinic to have molds made so I can be fitted into braces for ankles. They won't fix me but will/may allow me to walk without pain. They will be ready in three weeks. I think dancing may be difficult.

WAITING FOR BIRDS

2010-10-05T10:39:00.003-05:00

Oct 4. May S had walked the beach with "fascination of the waves, curling in foam around the rocks, advancing and retreating in an endless dance." Gladys T remembered the home dressmaker who had already disappeared into the past. "The town dressmaker was a grand institution." Linda Hogan tied it together for me. "Even new, a day itself is ancient, old with earth's habit of turning over and over again."

On our way to Grand Rapids to pay bills Wallis saw a small dead deer on the shoulder. It brought to mind a story Esther Naganaub told me about the death of a young bear. A cub had been hit by a car near her home at Sawyer. The mother stayed with her dead child for three days and nights. Esther said the mother cried for her little one with audible grief. The mother continued to wash and groom the cub. She rolled it over and patted it gently. She slept beside it oblivious to passing traffic. Then one morning the mother was gone. It had been a three day wake.

Oct 5. Ruth Rosten wrote of writing, "Even a whisper... in the right creator's ear can flower into fables, cities, souls and seasons new on earth." I find this an exciting notion. Rosten also left these words, "I write to tell you how it is with me in the cold dark places of my mind." And also this, "I imitate, go house to house with an empty cup, borrow voices from a dozen poets."

Cedar and I put a recycled beverage bottle bird feeder on the window last night. Today we are waiting for birds to find it.

READY TO MOVE

2010-10-03T17:59:00.005-05:00

Yesterday Cedar and I got 3 pages of those window decorations that cling to glass. We washed the inside of the big front window in the community room and made it as attractive as we could. We are quite satisfied with the results.

We watched "The Greatest Show on Earth" and Cedar went wild! She was doing toe stands on the chair arm, keeping a balloon aloft while dancing and singing, "Come to the circus".

On this bright and golden morning Cedar told me, "The clock keeps the time and the birds make the music." She knows about time as her mother is a musician.

We finished "Stuart Little". Cedar thought Margalo the bird was a great character because the bird was the reason Stuart left home and went north seeking adventure.

Good quotes: "Seek the joy of being alive", Tim Heinle. As Arthur said in Camelot, "Do not let me die bewildered."

Melanie invited us for lunch and served a wonderful chicken and rice soup. Geezis and Justice were also there to clean the yard and cut grass. So I left Cedar with them and went to help Wallis get boxes to pack as she is getting ready to move.

Did you know that while dolphins are being slaughtered in Japan they are protected from murder in Greece? We cannot depend on government or organizations to change anything for the better. All nations are worthy of respect... not vicious exploitation and brutality.

Tonight we listened to Back Porch harmony on KAXE and it had us up and dancing and tapping our toes to old time songs!

I set up the new/used stereo and we listened to Elvis sing about Christmas. Of course, I sang along. Cedar danced with my Elvis doll. She said she wished she was as small as the doll so they could really dance together.

HERSHEY IS OFFICIAL MASCOT

2010-10-02T04:48:00.005-05:00

Oct 1. Went to Cass Lake to get Wallis. I listened to MPR Classical Music. It rained all the way. The forest fragrance was wonderful and beauty was all around. On our return the day had cleared and it was blue sky all the way! We enjoyed a bright and glorious drive.

We had the election for the building mascot today. Six votes were cast. Hershey the cat got 4 votes. Coco the small dog is first runner up with 2. We also had a drawing and Evelyn won the feather mask so she is ready for tricks or treats.

Cedar had prepared a list of ten rules (I helped her put them into sentences). 1. No pushing or shoving to receive ballot. 2. If you need help or have Qs ask Cedar the election judge. 3. Don't throw things at other voters. 4. Voters must be fully dressed. 5. Voters must be at least 3 feet tall. 6. Eligible voters reside on premises 5 days a week and at least 4 hours per day. Weekends excepted. 7.Voters must be respectful. 8. Voters must have photo ID. 9. Voters must register at the polling place (comm. rm.). 10. No intoxicated persons will receive a ballot.

We also presented each voter with 2 balloons for participating.

Gladys T wrote of her mother, "She was plump as a partridge always."

While in CL Wallis and I went looking for Gene and Lottie C. She knew the general location and we drove around until I spotted their van. How surprised we were to them them moving. In fact, their rented mobile home was gone! A phone call from Lisa had saved them from homelessness!

Steve E was helping them move stuff from the storage shed. I hadn't seen Steve since he was a child but he remembered me. His sister Carrie had recently died from a blood clot in her brain. And what a wonderful brain... she was an artist.

Oct 2. Cedar must have dreamed. I heard her talking in her sleep. I dreamed that Max came back! I opened the door and he came running down the hall and leaped up into my arms! He was wiggling and whining and kissing me and licking my ears! I was mad with joy and so was he. "Max," I screamed and laughed as I held him. We played and had so much fun. There were other things happening and other people but Max took control of the dream and nothing else mattered. When he scratched at the door I opened it and he ran out into a strange wet street. I stood inside watching him but he ran out of sight. So I stepped out and called for him. Soon he came running back to me followed by four other small dogs. They all ran inside. I knew they couldn't stay so I put them out. When I woke up Max was gone, too. Gosh! It was great to see him again!

The trees are full of robins on their way south and the leaves are shining like Mayan gold.

While the clothes sloshed clean in the machine and Cedar sang in the tub, I read poetry. A poem by Ruth Rosten almost ruined my day. It was about a 61 year old woman who fell in love too easily. Rosten concluded it was due to mental illness. My friend Angeline once fell in love with 4 Greek men in one hour! She may be fickle but she is terribly sane. I was there. I saw the men and thought one was exceptionally handsome and his body wonderfully articulate. But I was unable to fall in love at that time... due to mental instability. I think I should write that into a poem.

RACE AND EDUCATION

2010-09-29T20:32:00.004-05:00

Sept 29. It began raining this morning but the drops didn't knock the leaves down. So we will have good color for a few more days.

Gladys Taber offers her autumnal words, "As summer wanes, we cherish every mild dreamy day. I love the soft blue haze. I know summer still walks the lanes, but the frosty slipper of autumn is just behind."

"...order is a gift that allows me to save time and live deeper beyond the physical world." The wisdom of Beth Waterhouse from her essay "Home".

Ellie and Karen came today and we lunched at Shelly's. We also had dessert! We enjoyed a wonderful conversation about race and education. the ice cream was good, too.

Sept 30. Oh, what a miserable day... so far. Woke up with an awful headache that just got worse. Took a pain pill and 2 glasses of water. Did not rest well and got up at 9:30 AM and began vomiting. Even after the water was up and out I was still heaving about every hour. I didn't drink anymore but still retching at 2 PM. Soon I must go get Cedar off the bus... so i hope I can perk up. My head feels better. I don't want Cedar to get sick. Must enforce handwashing rule.

I was in bed all day. As Buddy Holly sang, "Misery. Oh, misery. What's gonna become of me?"

Gloria brought me supper plate of rice and chicken but I couldn't eat it. Cedar got a brownie. I had 2 more vomitiing episodes. To bed early. Got up at 1"21 AM and took a hot bath. I knew I had turned the corner!

VOICE OF THE PUFFIN

2010-09-29T07:52:00.002-05:00

Sept 28. When I showed Cedar the post card Ann M sent from Iceland, she became quite interested in the beautiful puffin. We have a paper cutout puffin in the bathroom so she recognized the bird at once. Then we began a puffin hunt via the internet and visited Machias Seal Island. Yes, it is true! The voice of the puffin sounds like a chain saw!

"All this I do inside me, in the huge court of my memory. There I have by me the sky, the earth, the sea, and all things in them which I have been able to perceive... There too I encounter myself..." St. Augustine.

We went to the Student Success Community Alliance at the Wendigo Golf Course Lodge near Grand Rapids. Justice was one of the three student speakers, all of them boys. Chelsea Annette also spoke and I got her autograph. She's a young writer from White Earth and has just published a children's book entitled "Discovering the Little Brother". I have not seen it but how exciting her success is for all of us! I also want to say that Windigo was a brutal giant who abducted children and ate them. I wondered if anyone thought of that when the lodge was selected to host the event. I thought of the school system devouring our children.

On the 24th, Marianne and I dressed B-C. Melvin selected the clothes and we put them on for her. I'd never dressed the body of a deceased loved one. I'm glad for the opportunity now. I would like to be dressed for burial or cremation by the tender hands of those who love me.

PRACTICE JOY

2010-09-27T19:29:00.003-05:00

Sept 26. I sit in the flat with my second cup of coffee and watch the leaves turn to gold. Below the tall trees the bright green lawn is littered with the leaves of summer-gone. Just now a tattered leaf has released its grasp and fluttered to the waiting earth.

I wonder if I have come to the place where I must practice joy but spend the rest of my days learning to die.

May S wrote on Sat. 9-25-1982, "The autumn of life is also a matter of saying farewell, but... I do not feel I am saying farewell yet but only beginning again, as it used to be when school started."

Gladys Taber wrote of teaching, "it has to deal with the countries of the mind which are always difficult, unpredictable and illimitable." The poetess Kate Green suggests, "Live out your ecstasy on earth amid the flaking patio stones, the boarded-up back door and the rusty car." From her poem "Don't Make Your Life too Beautiful".

A pain has begun in the left side of my face. It seems my jaw doesn't fit together as it should. After all these years the bones have gone astray.

Sept 27. On Sunday May S had a book signing. "It was exciting to arrive at the lovely old public library in Portsmouth (designed by Bullfinch) and, long before 4 o'clock, see people waiting." How gratifying for her to have loyal fans full of expectation. Eager to see her, hear her read, purchase a book and secure her autograph.

Gladys T had just enjoyed a line storm. "After the storm, the world is polished and shining. The light is so golden, we feel we have never seen the sun before."

Wallis and I off to GR. I dropped stuff at the Thrift Shop and bought a lamp. I also purchased a punch needle and hope to teach Cedar a new craft.

THE PASSING OF A FRIEND

2010-09-25T06:15:00.004-05:00

Sept 24. Early this morning I was asleep when someone entered my room, leaned over me and whispered, "Brandon is here." I struggled to open my eyes but saw no one. However, the room was full of a pale blue mist. The voice was feminine and a feeling of extreme love flooded around me. I smiled myself bakc to sleep. I believe it was B-C come to say goodbye and to let me know Brandon had been on hand to meet her. I am sure she had a delightful reunion with her beloved father, too.

Then it was that Melvin called to tell me that B-C had gone to the other side about 4:30 AM. Quickly I made arrangements for Cedar and left to see B-C before she was removed to Duluth where she would be cremated.

I stopped in Bemidji for food, flowers and a very chocolate cake. When I arrived at Melvin's Marianne S was already there and had a turkey in the oven. I prepared dressing and yams and got them into the oven. She made mashed potatoes. Then Betty came and she made wonderful gravy. We'd put an assortment of finger foods on the table for early arrivals. B-C was still in the hospital bed in the living room. Marianne, Betty and I were enjoying ourslves so much I half expected B-C to turn her head and join the conversation. Other mourners began arriving and the house was soon full. Mark, the hospice chaplin led us in a brief bedside service. He spoke of B-C's period of transition. You know how a word can stop your mental faculties from advancing... well I got hung up on that word and began thinking about all of us being in a period of transition at all times and beyond time... maybe even before time. So I don't know where Mark's comments took him.

Afterwards he invited others to speak. I told about the time B-C and I decided to go camping in the Black Hills. We got to Isabelle SD and were driving into a dark and furious storm so we decided to find shelter. We went to gas station for snacks and a trucker began following her around. We left without him but I always teased her about Big Bad Billy Beer Belly as I called him. The story got a good chuckle from Melvin. It broke the ice and a couple of others spoke.

Brandon and B-C enjoyed a special friendship. When he was 13 he got yard work jobs and with his wages he took us out for lunch. Can you just see it? A young teenage boy escorting two mature women to lunch and taking the bill. Well he was a wonderful lad!

Sept 25. The mascot election did not take place. I'll post an apology and see what Cedar wants to do.

When I got home yesterday the mail contained a large flat envelope. Inside was a garden kneeling pad and a plastic sleeve for my library card. I was a prize winner in the 2010 Mail-a -Book adult summer reading program!

I tried to watch a late movie as I was unable to sleep last night. But could not focus on the complex tale it told. The title "Rock the Cradle" was about a relationship between art and politics. I'll view it again when my thoughts are less fractured.

Yesterday May S wrote, "Sun after four days of blessed rain - fresh warm air, wet grass and every plant and bush and tree refreshed. I drove Home alone yesterday. the car was full of memories. I endured several episodes of weeping. The trees are getting ready for winter but I had difficulty trying to appreciate the beauty of autumn. In about a month we will have been five years without our precious Brandon and now B-C has left us, too.

Gladys Taber said that "September is a nostalgic month." And so it is.

Wallis and I to GR library today and I got some poetry. Afterwards we worked in the garden. Then I had supper. Pearl called me down for a game of Skip-Bo. I won the first game and Evelyn won the second.

THE RUSTIC MUSE

2010-09-23T22:39:00.002-05:00

Sept 21. Cedar and I are still organizing for our very local election. Today we discussed election rules and she came up with some cute ones. She was so serious I could not even smile. We posted the list of ten for residents and visitors to read and appreciate. #1. there will be no pushing and shoving for ballots.

My pile of letters will soon be answered. Today I am mending my lap desk. It had along crack across it for several months. I feel it would have endured. However, Cedar sat on it and finished it off.I have put it together with Gorilla Glue, the adhesive miracle.

Well as Mark Twain may have said, "Surprise sometimes arrives unexpectedly."

Sept 22. The ballot box is ready, the voter registration prepared and ballots (12) have been hand printed.

I must also get fruit fly invasion in hand.

Verlyn K wrote, "Labor is both a trap and a liberation, servitude and release..."

From John Keats: "Old Meg she was a gipsy, And lived upon the moors; Her bed was the brown heath turf, And her house was out of doors."

It is a long affectionate collection of words and in my journal (Undated) I have written a response. "Oh, I can see her! Walking up the heathered hill. Her red cloak flapping around her. She raised that old brown hand to greet me and smiled a broken grin. 'Good day to you, Old Meg,' I whispered. Then she and the hill are gone and I am home alone. Rain is tapping on the rain drums, Sam is sleeping at my slippered feet and long-ago Meg sits down to 'stare full hard' at the rising moon."

Sept 23. Yesterday 1982 May S had written "ten or more letters in the morning..." My stack of mail is still waiting for attention! She said "it is the wild piles that make me feel wild and disorderly." I know that feeling well. I am neglecting friends who are watching their mail for a few words from me.

Robert Burns, "Near by arose a mansion fine The seat of many a muse divine; Not rustic muses such as mine." I know my muses are not the high browed, well endowed, sophisticated muses that occupied the mansion in Burns' poem.

Wendell Berry wrote of Port William... "it had a beginning that was forgotten and an end that was unknown." I might almost say that of myself but I have heard much of my beginnings from my father.

STRANGE COINS

2010-09-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

In this dream Wallis and I were walking on a city street looking for Cedar. "Don't go that way," Wallis said, "you'll end up at Target." So I went behind her but was unable to keep up. When I could no longer see her I stopped and looked back. Cedar was walking toward me. "I'm thirsty," she said. We went into a crowded cafe but could not get water. As we passed a small tea room a woman in exotic attire called to me. "Anne! It's me, Marilyn." I did not recognize her but she gave us water. When we left the place we stepped into a dry and dusty land. Our hands were full. In my left hand I held strange coins and in the right a small trowel. Cedar had the same. "We'll bury them in different places so they will be hard to find," I told her. I chose downhill and she went up. When I returned to where we'd separated I waited for Cedar. She came running and shouting, "A lion!" I saw two ceramic lions hanging in a leafless tree. Then I saw a real lion rise up out of the earth and began to stalk us. We hurried to the cafe but it was abandoned. I put Cedar in a glass cabinet and stood near. The lion came and clawed the door open. I pushed him away from the cabinet but I knew I could not protect Cedar. Just then the door opened and about ten kids came in and walked past us. The lion lost interest in us and began to stalk the others. I got Cedar out of the cabinet and we hurried away in the opposite direction.

Edgar Guest, "That earth has no glory that's greater than this: That little old man whom the children will miss."

Cedar and I have begun an election process in the building. Today we posted the names of candidates for position of official Deer Crest Manor Pet Mascot. Hershey the cat and Coco the small dog. The ballots will be cast on Friday.

ANGELS ALL AROUND

2010-09-19T21:37:00.004-05:00

Sept 18. I don't know how I got my dates so mixed up. But I will leave it as it is in memory of entering my seventh decade.

On this day 1982 May S paused to celebrate the aster of which she mentioned several. But I also read Edgar Guest and he celebrated Lemon Pie! "And we smack our lips in pleasure O'er joy no coin can buy, And we down the golden treasure Which is known as lemon pie." Guest also wrote a personal note to me, "When I get big and old and gray I'm going to spend my time in play." Thanks to Cedar I have reason to play and someone to play with, too.

Yesterday, while Wallis shopped, I went to Subway for lunch. I had left home on a breakfast of two cups of coffee. As I sat alone with my sandwich I thought, "This is no fun." What would make it fun? I imagined Myrna coming to sit with me. How we'd laugh! Then I envisioned David M and Skip T entering. Now that's a party! I felt myself smiling like an idiot.

Today I gave the flat a really good cleaning. We are having a building inspection this week.

Ann and Roberto must be in Iceland now.

Geezis spent the night and in the AM she washed the dishes for me.

Sept 19. May S had been thinking about love and hate. She had put them into two categories, public and private. She called religion "the great divider".

Jane Austen had written a sad lamentation for Marianne in "Sense and Sensibility". It concerned leaving her happy childhood home. "Dear, dear Norland! When shall I cease to regret you! When learn to feel a home elsewhere! Oh! Happy house... (and) ye well-known trees."

On Fri Wallis and I went to the $ store in GR and tried on mood rings. It turned deep blue on her. I put one on my left hand, it turned purple. Then I moved it to my right hand and it turned green. I asked the clerk what that meant. She said she didn't know as most people don't put it on both hands. I bought a hematite bracelet with angels all around.

Tonight Pearl invited Evelyn and I to supper. It was delicious! Then she dished up dessert and I carried a treat to everyone in the building. It sure was fun!

Then they taught me a game called Skip-Bo and I won! That was fun, too.

I told Pearl she could not be a nun or a saint but she could be a member of the Angel Federation of America and I put the angel bracelet on her right wrist. She appeared quite pleased.

BRIGHT STAR

2010-09-17T22:58:00.004-05:00

Today Cedar and I began our first chapter book! We are reading "Stuart Little". In a very few pages we came upon great wisdom. We learned that no one can look into a mouse's ear without laughing. Melanie joined us at the corner bus stop and we had a lovely chat. We stood saturated by the morning sky. I showed her how to make a giant shadow bug.

Wallis and I went to the rummage at St Mary's and enjoyed it very much.

After school Cedar and I played three hands of old maid and I lost twice. She said, "You're an old maid and I'm going to marry Elvis!"

Tonight I watched "Bright Star" on Netflix. I held the poetry collection of John Keats in my lap. Angeline gave me the book after we had seen the movie together in Toulouse.

JOHN KEATS. "When I have fears that I may cease to be Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain... then on the shore Of the wide world I stand alone, and think Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."

Keats's bright star was Fanny Brawne.

THE MAGIC MAILBOX

2010-09-16T21:48:00.003-05:00

"Imagination reflects heavenly truth." C.S. Lewis.

The magic mailbox was full of delightful notes and cards again!

I took animal flashcards to bus stop. But Cedar no longer finds them much of a challenge. So I added a new twist. She must tell me one true fact about each animal before she can claim a point. I must say it slowed us down quite a bit. After school we are going to play Old Maid with one of my three decks of Elvis playing cards. We are also discussing our Halloween costumes. I will become Mortesia Addams.

Marlene and I went to Shelly's for pie and coffee. We chatted away an hour over two plates smeared with blueberry and pie crust crumbs. Our cups were kept full and the coffee warm.

COURAGE AND IMAGINATION

2010-09-15T22:10:00.004-05:00

May S tells us that the two greatest human qualities are courage and imagination.
My goodness! I stuck my nose into a book entitled "Homemade" and couldn't get it out. What a wonderful collection of ideas... so useful and economical, too.
Cedar and I waited for the bus under a single umbrella today. I must get one for her so she can be more independent. She enjoyed the tapping of rain on the taut fabric. We explored the gutter and rain drain and watched bubbles form and burst in the lively puddles.
I stayed in the Community Room while the laundry was washed, rinsed and dried. I worked on the puzzle. Connie came in for a few minutes. This is the first time she has visited me. The mailbox was bursting with goodies!

ALL THE TIME

2010-09-14T21:29:00.005-05:00

Sept 14. May S, "I am more aware than usual of the long rhythm of the seasons, and the recurring events become more precious as they structure the larger design of life itself..." Gladys Taber had gone on a drive "along a golden country road." Verlyn K enjoyed the chatter of a flock of blackbirds that had settled in a big cottonwood. Yesterday I saw a maple tree in full red! Even the goldfinch is changing color. they are losing their bright light goldness and see more creamy vanilla buff. I think most of the humming birds are gone... following the flowers south. At this time on a nicely chilled morning with a light drizzle and a dripping eave I think of mother baking bread. It was in those days she cooked with wood. It was my pleasure to fill the wood box every night and bring water for the reservoir and the big tea kettle. On Saturday I filled the wash tub twice and helped with the day long process of cleaning clothes and sheets and such. We washed them and we rinsed them and hung them out to dry. they had to be ironed, too.
Sept 15. The car has two new tires on the front end. I feel so much better and so does Cedar. She was too sick for school so I took her to the garage. We carried 4 books to read while we waited. Then we went to Cenex so she could vacuum the car. She knows the drill and goes quickly through the car with the long hose sucking up dirt.
We went to GR, too. We hit 2 second hand stores and paid the phone bill. We also went to Walgreen's. I got her vitamins to help her fight infection.
I ran into a woman who remembered me from H.S. Sue Daniels. She said she graduated a year before me. I don't know how she recognized me. When I see myself in the mirror I often say, "Who is that old woman?"
Barry Manilow almost had me in tears today when he sang "All the Time."

TEN POINT TRIANGLE

2010-09-13T20:36:00.003-05:00

Sept 13. What a strange dream! It was about old truth being defeated and buried by new truth. It was about the rediscovery of old truth and the battle to hide it. It was a long dream full of mist and genderless voices. I was told that old truth had a healing method based on a 10 point triangle. I was only told the first point because if one failed in this none of the remaining points could be activated. Then I was determined to expose this truth for the good of humankind. But I was out-shouted, ridiculed and threatened. Then Dar K said she knew this truth and had been healed by it. She would testify of her personal experience with this knowledge. Then everyone would have the same opportunity to be healed as she had. But when she tried to speak she was shouted at, ridiculed and silenced. We were at a loss. I woke up quite disturbed and shaken.

This morning Cedar and I took chalk out to draw our morning shadows. It took a whole stick of pink chalk to make her enormous shadow so we decided to save the blue stick for her PM shadow. She could not believe the difference. Not only was her PM shadow quite short but it was behind her!

I told Cedar that my neighbor Gloria had to leave her French poodle behind with her family in Ohio when she moved north. So Cedar decided to give Gloria our toy poodle. Gloria was so pleased! She hugged Cedar and named the tiny dog Mikey.

"For we can settle back at night and live again the joys we knew And taste once more the old delight of days when all our skies were blue." Edgar Albert Guest.

HARVEST FEAST

2010-09-12T22:49:00.002-05:00

We had a fish fry at Annie's. It was a harvest feast or thanksgiving and also we celebrated Wallis' achievements. Later I took a bag of fish over to Marlene. I stayed to visit for awhile and on my return saw the lady who helped Cedar and I make a six legged shadow bug. We waved and smiled our greetings across the wide street.

Ended the weekend with a movie: "There's no Business Like Show Business".

PAPER DOLL CHILDREN

2010-09-11T21:38:00.003-05:00

9-11. I wanted to do something special and decided to call Myrna at White Earth. Left a message and she called back in five minutes. We talked for 2 hours. Then I watched "Last Flight Home". BentProp Project team searches for MIAs from WWII. Of course they only recover remains as nothing more is left. But they also recover history and give survivors a sense of the person hood of the deceased. It is a restoration of a lost family member. I recommend this informative documentary. It is well done... tasteful... sensitive and emotionally moving.

I dreamed I was playing paper dolls with someone. We were both paper and wore paper clothes. We dressed each other in garish attire and laughed at the results. Then we became real and ran about in our hats and gowns screaming and laughing. At last we ran away together. I woke up wondering who the other child was. I decided it was my dear departed friend Elsie Mooers.

Today the girl who delivers the Manny Shopper fell down the stairs! I heard a woman scream and looked out the window. Then I heard a weeping woman begging for help. I opened the door to find her sprawled on the landing. Gloria came out, too. I sat on the step to hold the woman upright. Gloria called ambulance and Ed brought water. Soon the ambulance came and took her away. A couple hours later another young woman came to thank us for our kindness and tell us the fallen one had torn ligaments in left ankle. Ouch!

WIPING THE TEARS

2010-09-10T20:08:00.002-05:00

Sept 4. I left home with Annie and kids at 6:30 AM. Returned at 10 PM. A long day of ceremony, feasting and fellowship. It was a small gathering and Lila was painfully disappointed but it was such a perfect blend of relationships and personalities that I found the balance exciting. It went well and I think the purpose Lila envisioned for the ceremony and beyond was off to a good start.

Discovered that I had lost my debit card, EBT card, $20 and photo of Brandon. Yipes!

Sept 5. Ann M Called from Ely. She had been to the wedding of Dar's daughter. She, Roberto and Kitty would stop when they reached Deer River. Hooray! Sunday visitors! Before they arrived Pearl called and invited me down for cake and coffee. I put a note on my door directing Ann to apt 4 and left. When the wedding trio knocked on Pearl's door I was quick to let them in and introduce everyone. We had a nice visit then the 4 of us went to the Sportsman Cafe for supper. We had another lovely time and shared much laughter. They returned me to the manor. Both Pearl and Evelyn hope they will come again. "You have such nice and interesting friends," they told me.

Roberto hadn't seen the flat before and gave my abode his approval. I really appreciated his good opinion as he has an artistic eye for color and design. He also looked at my photos and declared my father to be "very handsome".

Reported loss of cards.

Sept 6. Oh, what a beautiful dream and everyone was with me but I didn't know that at first. It began that I was alone in a huge kitchen. Great quantities of food covered every surface. I felt I was in a hurry as I prepared a large bowl of cole slaw. In a wink Ann M was with me and said, "I'll finish that. They're waiting for you in the garden." so i walked out into an incredible garden that seemed to go on and on. It was silent and the people had their backs to me. The first person outside the door was a man with rather long hair. He wore a white suit and no shoes. I thought it was John Lennon. So I said, "Hello, John." The man turned. It was John Trudell. He held a small bell in one hand and few flowers in the other. He put his hands together and bowed to me. then he rang the chime and everyone became vocal and animated. I saw Aina W. She smiled sweetly and held her arms out to indicate the people with her. I knew they were her loved ones. They stood together as for a family portrait and all of them greeted me with loving smiles. Just then Beth W tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, "Cash is inside and she needs help." So I went back into the house. Cash was trying to fit into a frock that was just too big for her. Quickly I cut it into pieces and sewed it back together. It was perfect. Cash gave me a big smile and hurried to the garden. I was aware of smell of food and turned to find myself in the kitchen again. Ruth Austin was at the stove cooking. I was surprised to see her. "I didn't know you could cook," I said stupidly. "I have prize winning recipes and blue ribbons for my food preparation," she told me. When I woke up I could smell Gloria's breakfast in the next flat.

I wish you could have seen that beautiful garden filled with joyful people. We must do this again some day in a dream come true.

Sept 7. First day of school! The wind is moving at 25 MPH. Cedar came at 6:10 AM. She had two pieces of toast and laid down on the settee for more sleep. The trees are pleased to have such a nice wind for dancing. But I suppose the rice is falling. I saw a monarch yesterday. The hazel nuts are all packed away by the thrifty squirrels. The high bush cranberries are ripe but I can't get out to pick as my car is still lame.

It rained all night with thunder and a light show. The storm moved across the sky at a crawl, growling and grumbling all the while.

Sept 8. After spending much time trying to figure myself out of my financial dilemma I went to bed prepared for bad dreams. Then I dreamed I was washing dishes in my tiny kitchen when my Aunt Gerry breezed in, got a towel and began drying the dishes in the rack. She was young with short curly hair. She wore black slacks and a leopard print sweater (she always liked dots on her clothes). After a moment she announced, "I finally graduated. I have my doctorate." I was quite surprised as as she had never seemed interested in higher education. "In what field?" I asked. She stared at me with a deep intensity and said, "Seeology." "Well, now I suppose you'll get a really good job," I offered. "No," she told me. "I want to stay home and raise my babies." Then she folded the towel until it was the size of a cracker and left. I was soon awake but spent some minutes thinking about my favorite aunt who had died suddenly leaving 3 small children behind.

Sept 9. When Cedar and I waited at the bus stop we saw our tall dark shadows together. So we danced and flapped our arms and laughed. Then she stood in my shadow and we became an enormous bug. I saw a lady hurrying along and invited her to join us. "Would you like to help us make a six legged bug?" I asked. she was quick to join her shadow with ours and soon we were creeping along like a real bug! We had a wonderful time being a bug.

Sept 10. As we waited for the bus today a medi-copter came over us. Cedar wanted to watch it land so she ran to the last car parked near the emergency door at the hospital. She was excited to see the big machine coming down. But soon the bus was at our stop and she was carried away.

Wallis and I went to the food shelf today.

Sept 11. Today I took four books to the bus stop and we sat on the curb reading. I had just completed book two when the bus arrived.

Today I had lunch with a spoon in one hand and a Robert Burns collection of poems and songs in the other. How it used to annoy my mother when I read at the table.

This morning I dreamed that Justice and Tommy D came. I let them in and they jumped into my bed! I got upset and demanded that they get their dirty selves out of my bed at once. Justice leaped out and stood at attention. Tommy refused to obey so I grabbed his arm, jerked him off the bed and slammed him to the floor. "Okay! Let's eat," Annie called. As we entered the kitchen the curtains caught on fire. Annie pulled them down with a fork. Then the wall caught on fire. Now she was crying and pulling her hair. I told her to throw water on it but she didn't want to make a mess. So I got water and put the fire out. Then the table burst into flames and I put that out, too. I woke up before anymore fires got started!

WIND IN MY SAILS

2010-09-10T14:01:00.003-05:00

Sept 1. Alarm! Alarm! I just heard a gaggle of geese flying over. Couldn't see them as the trees still dominate this window. I heard that handsome blue crested bird announce that he had arrived. "Jay! Jay!" he screamed.

I played my Fats Domino collection today. It almost made me cry. I danced to him in HS. My 2 best partners were girls. Bing and Simone. They both died of lupus. Simone before 25 and Bing before 35. What a killer. What a heartache. But oh, the power of a song. Cedar is asleep on the settee but this old music bathes her in melody. Will she remember this on some far off day? Will grief tug at her heart and will she think of me and how I have loved her?

I worked on stamps again.

Sept 2. The rain called me awake and I listened as it tapped the leaves in the trees beyond my open window. Soon I was asleep and ready to dream.

I was following a woman in a purple coat but lost her in a crowd of people wearing blue coats. As I stood at a loss as to what I should do I was approached by the woman and she was wearing a blue coat. She did not speak until I gave her a coded sentence. I thought it was a quote from Abe Lincoln but I don't remember the words. Then she smiled and said, "Follow me." She took me to a small pub-like cafe that was not doing much business. I saw a purple coat hanging on a hook. "Put it on," she told me. When I did it turned blue. "This is your new uniform. It goes with the job. It changes color when we are excited about our work." "What is our work?" I wanted to know. "We remember," she said. "Some of us have to remember. The electronic empire will crash. The books are already disappearing. Someone will have to remember." "What do you remember?" I asked. Her smile disappeared. "The holocaust. Everyday I put on my purple coat and go to the library. As I get close to the library my coat turns blue and I know I'm ready. I think it is changed by body heat." She turned to leave. "When will I see you?" I asked. "Tomorrow. There will be a new quote so you can find others who remember." Suddenly she was gone and I turned to find the blond Man From Uncle standing near me. He wore a blue coat and quoted Lincoln. We sat at a small table near a dusty window. "My name is Don Dell Leon. They call me The Lion." Then the walls of the pub turned into an illustration and I tumbled off the page. I was sitting on the floor in the flat. Cedar was on the settee with a book open on her lap. "Look, Grandma," she shouted. "It's a picture of The Lion." I got up to see him disappearing from the page. I was soon awake.

When I told Cedar about the dream I asked her if she knew The Lion. "Yes," she said. "He was a dream that came true."

"This is your moment." Unk.

Sept 3. May Sarton would visit an island in 1982. "Monhegan begins to seem like the moon. It will rain, they say, but I don't care. It is an adventure and the wind is rising in my sails."

I completed the cougar puzzle last night. What a beautiful creature. All the while he watched me as i completed his head first. Such eyes! So intelligent. So sensitive.

Yesterday i started cutting out my Mary Engelbriet collection of paper dolls. Cedar really enjoyed dressing the tiny figures. She was so careful with them. I gave her a Wizard of Oz box to keep them in and fashioned envelopes for them from gift wrap.

Feeling flushed and feverish. Made swamp tea sweetened with maple syrup. Sat in a soda and Epsom's salt bath. Drank green tea.

Getting ready for Wiping of the Tears tomorrow.

SARA TEASDALE

2010-09-09T20:49:00.002-05:00

Aug 28. Today I turned myself wholeheartedly to the Lizzie Garden Quilt. Ann M brought the Chinese gold fabric that was a chair cover and it will go on the back of the quilt.

But first... a party. Little Cecelia is four now and we celebrated the happy event at Tom and Missy's home on the Ms. river. We all had a good time.

Lila asked for a Wiping of the Tears Ceremony so I must begin to pray and get myself ready. Annie said she will help and so will Missy.

Aug 29. In my dream I was waking up in something that was moving. I could see through the open sky lights. The sky was blue and bright. The tops of the buildings were charming and colorful. I didn't know where I was so I sat up to see if I could ask someone. It seemed I had been asleep in the back of a dimly lit bus. My sister Shirley was standing nearby. We were both quite young. She told me we had to meet Annie and we should hurry. "We don't want to leave her alone too long," she said. "Oh, Annie can take care of herself all right," I told her. We stepped off the bus and into the sunny street. No one was there. The town was deserted. The bus sped away.

I have been watching "Home; a stunning visual portrayal of Earth". It is the story of our journey toward environmental collapse. However, it ends in hope. Glenn Close, the narrator urges us to work together for a better future for all. Not just the wealthy.

Later I listened to the soundtrack "Out of Africa". After all these years it remains a favorite.

I once dreamed that Elvis P was waiting for me at a cabin next to the Winnie Store in Bena. I knew it was just a dream but just in case it was a dream come true... I drove 20 miles to peek into the window of an empty cabin. But I never pass the place without glancing in that direction.

"The moon in the window seems to have drifted out of a love poem I used to know by heart." Billy Collins.

Aug 30. I recovered my $1 chair with a piece of tiger print upholstery from Ann M. It does look like something from the jungle room at Graceland.

After supper I put on my Hawaiian garden dress and watched Elvis in "Blue Hawaii." I was having a good time until the bar brawl. Elvis had a fight in nearly every one of his movies. I don't know why.

Aug 31. The deer flies are gone! The flickers are active, the monarch's are gathering for their great migration and many cars are adorned with rice boats.

I hear a blue jay but can't see it. A hairy woodpecker made a brief visit, too. "Peek, peek," she called.

Cedar and I had French toast and chocolate malted milk for breakfast. Then we made a sticker story with the tiny pictures from old mail labels. It was great. Gloria brought us each a piece of cake. I also read several story books and a collection of poems by Sara Teasdale which Cedar enjoyed very much!

Annie came to get us and we all went to meet Cedar's first grade teacher. Then we went to Shelly's for supper.

Earlier in the day I'd gotten out my old stamp album. I hadn't opened since before Brandon's death by murder. I still saved stamps in a bag but didn't put them in the album. In the bag I found four tiny photos that Brandon had taken with his mini camera. I made them into magnets and now they are on the refrigerator. I see them several times a day.

THE STORY STONE

2010-09-08T20:26:00.002-05:00

Aug 25. Cedar spent the night and woke up early. Too early for me. We talked about fairies and explored many issues that must confront such wee ones. Then we slept again and woke up late. We had a quick breakfast and then we were off to Wallis' to get Marcellus. She had a medical appointment in GR so I entertained the two children... or did they entertain me? First we went to the small playground. After an our we went to King's Court so they could play on the big stuff. Cedar was able to cross the hand over hand hangers without falling off. It was her first time! Then she did it three more times. Hooray! After that we went to the store and got stuff for lunch and came to the flat to eat. They played with my puppy collection. I saw it was time to return Marcellus but we had to stop at a Church rummage on the way. When we finally got there Wallis was sitting outside because I had her key! She decided to rummage, too. So away we went! I got Cedar and Marc each a real basketball for being good kids. They were @$1.

Aug 26. I was awakened by a dream. I'd received a post card from the other side. The image was a collection of portraits from the life of my cousin Chuck Robertson. Each picture was the size of a postage stamp. I saw Chuck in can and gown, his Air Force uniform, a family sitting with Gaye and the two boys, and one of his mother, Fanny. In the center was a square filled with gold leaf. there was writing on the back but no stamp. I don't remember what the message was but I do recall a small broken circle in the upper right corner. the paper was glossy and smooth on that side and picture side was matte. As I wondered why Chuck would write to me I began to experience discomfort in my chest. Not pain but a feeling of fullness. So I got up and sat in the rocker. The window was full of moonlight. As I considered the dream more closely I realized that three of the portraits were less focused and the one of Fanny was more sharp. I saw her bright eyes and happy smile. Perhaps he was showing me the gold of his earth journey and the vital role his mother played. I remembered how pleased cousin Chuck had been when I named one of my children after him. I have a photo over my pc that includes Chuck, my sister, my mother and myself. It was taken in front of my maternal grandparent's house at Redby. Chuck is eating an orange.

Still in a struggle to remove 35 ink spots from the carpets. I'll keep working on reducing them before Dale sees them. He'll be up here on the 1st to collect rent. But at the moment I am sitting in the midst of the dancing rainbows as the window crystals turn and spin in the breeze.

I washed Cinnamon's car blanket today. I still keep his collar and leash in the trunk of the car. It takes a long time to say good bye to such a true and loyal friend. I'm going to sew up the blanket as it is quite ragged.

Today Cedar and I went to Cenex so she could vacuum the car. She had a ball. Laura F arrived from Florida today. Annie brought her over for a visit. After they left Peg G came knocking. We had a lovely visit and she gave me a story stone from Annie Ned Creek in Alaska.

Aug 27. Peg also left other gifts: home made cookies, tea bags and a book by Velma Wallis, "Raising Ourselves".

Last night I watched the movie "Australia". It told a bit of how half caste children called Creamies were taken from their aboriginal mothers. In this story the Catholics provided homes for them on Mission Island. In the end a caption explained that this is no longer the case. Apparently child abduction became illegal in 1973. The gov. of Australia has now apologized for their misconduct. I was going to get the sewing machine out when the phone rang. It was Marlene S. We talked for an hour. I had not cooled my ear when the phone rang again. It was Wallis. After our goodbye the phone was screaming again. It was Angeline from France. She's going to Greece and asked if I'd been a good girl. I said, "I'd like to be bad but I don't know how." So she promised, "A good girl will get a gift from Greece." Then I played my Ella Fitzgerald collection. Wow! She is so smooth.

YELLOW AS A GOLDFINCH

2010-09-08T17:36:00.005-05:00

Aug 16. I dreamed Cedar and I went to Spain in a small bus. It was a quick trip but we were inspired by the beauty of the sea and the mountains. We had a fine dinner at a quaint cafe and started back. The bus stopped and out the window I saw a bald man. He carried a coat and an umbrella. He was smoking a cigarette in a long black holder. He got on the bus and came to Cedar and me, "Madame," he said raising his eyebrows to the top of his head and lowering his lips. "I should like to paint your beautiful granddaughter." He gave me his card and left. I gave the card to Cedar and she put it into her wallet. As she looked out the window she sighed and whispered, "No white spots." The bald man waved at her by raising his arm and twirling his wrist.

Cedar had been so fascinated by a single crystal in the window that I decided to hang six more. Tiny spots of rainbow colored lights crawled blissfully over the dreamy walls and dazzled the floor. .. and me. Oh, how they will greet Cedar and how she will laugh.

Aug 17. Woke up with pain and swelling in right ankle. I suppose that's old Arthur I. Dez claiming another part of my anatomy.

Well, I had coffee with Etta James today. No one sings "At Last" like that lady.

I'm reading my autographed copy of Bonfire by Connie Wanek. This AM I got a good laugh from her poem about a pig that took a CPR class, pg 42. She also wrote of a fox in autumn who "vanished into the copper-colored undergrowth as into a magician's sleeve."

Cedar is painting wonder stones and I am getting ready for my mammogram. Pearl will watch her while I'm gone.

The gold finches are doing the duck and dive. We had a Shrek Dance Party then we went to get Wallis for supper at the Community Cafe.

After Annie came for Cedar I started going through old files. I had three stacks: toss, archive and file. Two of the drawers are so bent that they are nearly impossible to open. I will have to discard them... Brandon painted them for me. He chose the color, too. Yellow as a goldfinch.

Aug 18. A brief shower caused a wonderful interaction of rain drops and leaves in the nearby trees. Two hummingbirds flitted about in the green crowns. I named them Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor.

Cedar and I were working on a puzzle in the Comm. Rm when Gloria stopped in to visit. While we chatted Cedar tipped a chair over on herself and got a nosebleed.

Aug 19. Marvin Staples mother, Sharon, died of a drug overdose today. Marvin is the young man who murdered Brandon. Marvin's grandmother Leona Fineday was one of my mother's best friends. Now he is quite alone in the world.

Cedar found a dead toad so we had a burial ritual for him. We both spoke over his tiny grave.

Aug 20. I dreamed I got a job at a zoo! One of my duties was to close the zoo at the end of the day. I was given a long knife and using the dull side I walked along an underground corridor hitting the concrete ridge that went on and on. I wanted to hurry the process so I ran. As I struck the ridge I heard a loud clunk clunk. At one point I heard a soft plop sound so I stopped and looked up. A cartoon alligator stared down at me. He was upset at being struck and I would have apologized but I was unable to speak. He began snapping his jaws and clicking his teeth. Then he tumbled down and charged at me. I held out the knife and he ran into it. Now he was really mad and began biting my feet. But because he was a cartoon he had paper teeth and did me no harm. I put my hands around his nose and jaw to hold his mouth shut so I could think and he clawed at me with his paper nails. I decided to run back to the entrance. I was very fast! I released him and zipped away. But the entrance was closed by a tall fence. I climbed to the top but couldn't go over because my dress was caught and my legs were tangled in the skirt. I called for help and soon the alligator arrived. He looked up at me and asked, "What kind of a get up are you wearing?" I told him it was a dress. "Why are you wearing a dress?" "Because I'm a woman," I shouted, "and women wear dresses!" At that I woke up.

Melanie and I went to the New China Buffet for a birthday dinner with Justice, 16, and friends. Lyn LaPointe was there, too. Wallis rode back with us.

Aug 21. Awake early to find fog scarfs tangled in the trees. Except for the train all is quiet. The train blasted 24 loud warnings as it careened along the iron rails.

May S. didn't write today but on the 18th, 1982, she had time to think about relationships. "...we all have illusions about what we give each other, and we rarely realize that receiving is also giving."

Today I went to get my extra tire and it is gone! I was so disgusted by the discovery that I nearly wept. I feel almost overwhelmed by circumstances beyond my control. It is as if a gang of invisible bullies are targeting me. How frustrating.

A beautiful moon is looking in on me. Oh, I can't let her waste such wonder on a soul without grace. I will rise on my tip toes and kiss her shining face.

Aug 22. Began reading "Wuthering Heights" and could not put it down.

The VFW brought us a picnic lunch and I thought we'd eat together. But everyone took their meals back to their rooms. So... I did, too. Wallis helped me carry the metal file cabinets out to the dumpster.

Aug 23. On Sat. I baked a meat loaf of ground turkey which I flavored with salsa. It was not too bad. I'm listening to "American Buffalo; in search of a lost icon" by Steven Rinella. His narrative is peppered with interesting bits of history and spiced with subtle sarcasm.

Aug 24. This buffalo story includes the slaughter of many millions of these majestic animals. I find it shocking and depressing. I have learned a lot about bones. Yes, after the hides were taken the carcasses were abandoned. Then the bones became a commodity that could be sold to various industries. Including the finest bone china. So armies of bone pickers were soon employed. After the bones were gone those industries fell into "financial crisis".

As the sun rises and the early rosy glow falls on the tree crowns beyond my window it is clear that the leaves are plagued with fungus. Still they are so thick I can see very little sky. When the leaves fall this window will be full of sky and birds.

Ann, Karen and Ellie came. We had an ink mishap in the corridor and spent about an hour trying to clean it up. Then we went to get Cedar and had a picnic on Annie's deck. Ellie had a meeting so returned to Crosby. The rest of us went to the Lost Forty. We walked the trail, about a mile. We saw many mushrooms... some were new to me. It was a beautiful mile. When we got there the birds were singing... later it was very quiet but for the wind in the tops of the old virgin pine forest. On our return we saw a doe and two spotted fawns. It was a lovely day to close journal number 7 of the 7th decade.

A PATCH OF BLUE

2010-09-08T15:19:00.004-05:00

Aug 6. Cedar is still asleep in the nest she made on the floor last night. She wanted to do it without help and so she did. Justice is in Canada visiting his Mohawk father and brother. The goldfinches are dressing up the trees. How they sparkle in the early sun!

When I was with B-C I saw the old B-C rise up and sparkle for a few dazzling moments. Then drop suddenly away. Her eyelids closed, and her hands fell into her lap.

After breakfast Cedar and I went out and found two wonder stones. Then we went to the park She played with an unknown girl and later with a boy named Sam. I read and tanned my sandal lined feet. Then we returned to the flat for lunch. We watched "Peter Pan" the play, not the movie. Wow! a real stage play.

Then I made us each a wig out of some old blue cheer leader pom poms and took photos. Later we enjoyed a root beer float and waited for Annie as I read story or two. Had supper at Shelly's with Wallis and Michael then watched "Wuthering Heights".

Aug 7. Internet not working! But I saw a lovely leather back turtle swimming across the sky. The birds are usually quiet during the day but their small voices created a splendid choir to accompany Ned Spurlock in his rendition of "Unforgettable". They never sing along with Bobby Darin, Dusty Springfield or Elvis!

I think it is a wonderful luxury to turn over in the bed. B-C cannot turn herself anymore.

Aug 8. Went out to Annie's to feed, water and release the animals. Had breakfast at noon!

Mae Sarton wrote of her friend Eve, 83, "...for whom flowers, birds and raccoons and skunks who come every night to be fed after dark are the most rewarding joys." They had been friends for 53 years! Oh, what a long history they shared.

Yeats was dreaming of bees and beans when he penned, "I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made, Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee, And live alone in the bee-loud glade." Gladys Taber thought that was too many beans for Yeats. She imagined that the wee fairy folk gathered in the glade at night to pluck and eat the beans. Now I can imagine all those fluttering fairies being gas propelled and jettisoned in the sky.

Wallis called to tell me about the big storm at the Mish Pow-wow. Her tent had an inside pool and her bedding got wet. But she was laughing!

Aug 9. Awakened to a nice fog. How quiet it is at this seaside port. I put on the music of Smokey Robinson and he poured himself into the room.

I had a terrific dream. It began with a knock on the door. I opened the door and saw a very tall man wearing a doctor jacket. It was the kind Richard Chamberlain wore when he was Dr Killdare so I trusted him at once and let him in. He carried a blue box and a tennis racket. "I'm here to test the air quality in your home," he told me. He put his stuff on the table and began writing on a chart. He wrote "Aug 29-30, nearly midnight." "Are you late?" I asked. "Oh, no. I always come early." He attached the racket to the blue box with a very fine wire and proceeded to wave the racket in the air. The box purred. "Should you do the bathroom?" I wondered. I thought he'd find better data in there. He declined with a disgusted sneer, "I'd have to charge extra for that. But I'll do the bedroom for nothing." As he swept the bedroom air I wondered if the air wasn't the same as the living room. He turned to me with a lurid smile, "Now I will know your secrets and your dreams." He began with a chuckle of laughter at my apparent dismay. Then he roared with hideous glee. "What's so funny?" I wanted to know. "Pollen," he replied. Then I recognized him. It was Vincent Price!

Evelyn joined Pearl and me in the Community Room today. They complimented my pretty dress. "You look just like a gypsy," Evelyn said. "Well, I'm leaving on the next caravan," I told her. She added, "I see you in a red wagon pulled by a white horse." You know? I saw it, too. The happy horse wore a pretty bonnet.

Aug 10. What a dream! I was in a car with Deegan and got a marriage proposal. I declined the offer several times but the persistent young man kept presenting reasons why it would be good for both of us. He had a long list and nothing swayed me until he said, "You'd have your own house and yard and garden." There I hesitated and he slipped a ring on my finger. "I made it myself," he told me. It was a charming silver band with a large uncut diamond. "Who will give me away" I asked. A voice from the back muttered, "I will." I turned to see Justice. "Good," said Deegan and started driving."Where are we going?" I asked. "White Earth." When he stopped to pee in the woods Justice asked, "Grandma, are you happy?" "No, not at all." "Well, let's go home!" Just then another car pulled up. The driver was Elaine Miles from Northern Exposure. "Got a problem?" she shouted. "We're going to Deer River and we need a ride," I shouted back at her. "I can get you to Oak Point. We're going to a party out there." She had another woman in the car. All during the ride the ring had been trying to get off my finger and now it fell onto the seat. I put it on the dash for Deegan to find and we got into Marilyn's car and sped away. Before we got to Oak Point Elaine had to pick up two friends. They were a lovable young couple but very overweight. The car was crowded and I started talking about heart disease. Then we were at Oak Point and got out at John's. I was going to ask him to take us to Deer River but he opened the door nude, screamed and ran away. Justice looked at me and said, "We'll have to walk." So that is what we did and I was home in time to wake up in my own bed.

Aug 11. I dreamed I was a MASH nurse going home. I was packing quickly. Then I turned and saw about seven young children sitting on my cot... watching me in silence. Then a man small and old stepped between us. "What about the children?" he asked. Apparently they were my responsibility. "I'll take then with me." He shook his head and smiled. I could hear the chopper coming for me. He said, "You could stay." I shook my head. He left and the children followed him out. Now I could hear rain on the tent and Wallis came in laughing. "Oh, boy! what a storm." My tent is wet and my bed, too. Can I stay with you?" The door opened and a small girl slipped inside. She wore an old hat. a transparent rain coat and shoes. Wallis scooped her up. "She's so cold!" she said. I started to unpack. "I have a dry t-shirt she can wear for a dress. I have socks, too."

Before I went to bed I had been thinking, "If children could name their heroes... who would they choose?" I was even wondering how I could help them discover the heroes in their lives. There must be heroes in Deer River. But I'm only interested in what the children think.

I wrote a note to Pearl and put it on her door. "Pearl lives on the bottom floor, I make my nest above. She said she always hated cats until she fell in love."

Aug 12. Yesterday Cyndy came to help me prepare a living will. What an exhausting hour. In early afternoon I went and got Cedar and Geezis for an ice cream party. I made banana splits.

Today Cedar wanted to come over and I made her a chocolate malt. Then we made two masks. After that we watched "Extraordinary Animal Behavior" and went to Community Cafe with Wallis.

In PM I went to Bemidji with Melanie for Jim Northrup's lecture at BSU Ind. Ctr. I ran into lots of old friends and Pat took my picture with Jim. On our return we a saw a strange formation of bright clouds.

Aug 13. To clinic for blood work. Cedar and I made more masks. I still can't get internet.

In PM I watched "A Patch of Blue". I'd seen it long ago but had forgotten the details. Sidney Poitier was perfect... of course.

Aug 14. I am revisiting the poems of Larry Schug.

On Thursday I discovered that my left front tire is falling apart. Without the internet I feel isolated... and now... no car.

Aug 15. I'm listening to "The Few" by Alex Kershaw. It's about the American fliers who fought in the Battle of Britain. The US was neutral and it was against the law for US citizens to fight for a foreign cause. It's been a quiet Sunday but for the trees... now they toss and twist.

THE TREE OF TATTERED LEAVES

2010-08-05T16:13:00.005-05:00

July 29. "What is more beautiful than a bright morning after rain?" queried May S. Then she went out to shake the heavy water off the drooping phlox. Mary O wrote of fear: "I feel the terror of idleness, like a red thirst." Gladys Taber, "The sky is wonderful in July, it seems deeper and farther off someway than at any other time, a silken, burning blue."

I have listened to "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day", completed "Giant" and read "Intriguing Owls". For a while I felt I had too many irons in the fire. I have also begun a new jigsaw puzzle.

Today I had both Cedar and Marcellus. My plan was to have a tour of local flower gardens but after only one stop they lost interest. So we went to the small play park near the RR tracks.
I learned that there are 19 owl species in the US and Canada. They range in size from the 1.5 oz. Elf to the 4 lb Snowy. The larger the owl the longer it lives. Some large owls survive for 25 years.

July 30. As I sat in Community Rm working on puzzle Pearl came in. She was waiting for a man to remove her old TV. It was broken and she already had a new one. Later I took a quick trip to Grand Rapids to pick up a new printer. Before removing the old one I hooked it up and gave in one last chance before it went to the recycling center. It flew into action and printed several perfect pages! I was dumbstruck! I will return the new one and get a refund.
I finished the puzzle and will pass it on to Gene, Chey's new husband. He's an avid puzzler, too.
Having read "Giant" I must confess that I like the movie better. I prefer seeing the story enacted by Hudson, Taylor and Dean.

July 31. When we visit the park I always hope a train will pass. And one day it did!
On another day Cedar rose from her desk where she was so busy coloring dinosaurs that I thought she was oblivious to all else. She hurried to the window and looked down. "Just as I thought," she announced, "the pigeons are here." She'd heard their noisy arrival. When they left she watched them fly away. "Well, there they go!"
On this last day of July I was looking out at the trees and noticed that the leaves show signs of age. Summer is getting a bit bedraggled and the tattered trees tip their damaged leaves with somber dignity.
Do you remember the winter of 2004-5 when the trees were full of great gray owls from Canada? I was visited at the A-frame several times by owls and was honored to witness their hunting skills. One owl stayed about 3 days. I think she left when all the mice were gone.

Aug 1. "There were also Indian spies, traitors, those who feathered their own nests, sold out, became lovers of the white man's vices." Meridel LeSeuer. The vice they came to love most was GREED. Many tribal leaders are in the grip of greed like a mouse held in the talons of an owl. No matter how they vow to serve their people they soon give in to self-service and enrichment.
May S wrote that when her muse was absent she went to the garden and "by clearing out that bed of perennials almost smothered by weeds, to clear the senses again." If I had a patch of a garden I could have a reliable means of composing my scattered thoughts.
Verlyn K was still complaining about July. It had been 30 days of rain and clouds. "It's been like living under a rhubarb leaf."
Yesterday as I listened to "True Compass" by Edward Kennedy I scrubbed the living room carpet on my hands and knees! I left the fan on and today it is dry as a soda cracker. It does look better, too. When the CD got to the place where Ed K heard that his brother Jack (Pres. Kennedy) had been shot and soon died I burst into weeping. The sudden violent death of a loved one is almost beyond humran endurance andf he would face it again when his brother Bobby was shot. Yes, we are disabled by grief and it is a full time effort to find a reason to go on believing there is still something to live for. Prayer becomes your only ally in the battle to recover your place in life and your dreams of a future without the beloved.
Wallis, Lamaya and I went to North Star Foods today. I felt like Gilbert Grape when he bought the birthday cake at "the other store". A flower vendor stood on the street and I got 5 glads for Lamaya. It was a princess bouquet and will become a cherished memory. Perhaps the vendor, too, will recall the day... and surely the 3 bees buzzing eagerly among the colorful blooms will not forget us for as long as they live.

Aug 2. May S wrote in 1982, "Aug is the dead end of summer... and there is a special silence in the air. The birds do not sing." Gladys Taber journaled, "Our Quiet Garden definitely sags in Aug." Well, it's true nothing can keep blooming the year round. I used to think my mother' could keep her African violets blooming all the time. But I suppose it was an optical illusion or slight of hand trick.
Verlyn K wrote, "But late one night not long ago - one of the most beautiful nights of this summer - a black bear crossed the road just in front of us... We coasted through the vapor trail, and if we could have, we would have smelled it's very bearness." I appreciate this deep awareness he calls bearness. I have heard many a smug odor-free or artificially scented human speak of encounters with bears. They almost always say the bear was a great stink. In my long years as a forest dweller I have come upon my share of bears and never found any unpleasant lingering odor.
Melvin called. My dear old friend Bona-Carol is in hospice. She wants me to spend a few of her last days with her. I leave tomorrow I felt myself being overwhelmed by the terrible news. Then Marlene S called and I shared the news with her. Her calm and caring voice settled all my flutters and cast out any self-doubt.

Aug 3. I had a terrific dream! Almost all the women I know were building something vital. No men were involved in the process but several trusted males supplied our needs. I was the liaison. The first hurdle was discovered upon arrival. It was a convention center. My task was so secret that I had to enter via a hidden entrance. I was given a small map and a torch. Then I was led to a dog kennel and locked inside. I walked along and the kennel became more foul, the roof got so low that I was forced to my hands and knees. Then I found the door out but it was too small! I panicked and began to shout and pound on the tiny door. Then a voice beside me said, "Raise the roof." It was Cinnamon. So I pushed the roof high enough so I could stand but I saw no door. "Push the wall away," said Cinnamon. I did and the whole wall swung open. I walked along until I came to white brick wall. I heard voices above so I began climbing. There were places for my hands to hold and my toes to grip. The wall was slippery with soapy water and bubbles but I made it to the top and rolled into the waiting area. Soon I was called and received a badge. The map and torch were taken and a silent man with an incredibly long arm extended his finger which was 3 feet long to point me in the right direction. As I walked briskly along my clothes, freshly laundered on the wall, dried. When I arrived at the secret site hundreds of women were already there. I found my team and asked, "How did you get here so fast?" Aina W directed my eyes to a small collection of huts where a shuttle service was doing a brisk business. My first thought was to protest the injustice but I had no time to grumble. I was on a true mission. Flo H said every thing was well organized and she gave me a list of things she would need to build the electrical unit. In a quick minute I had everything on the list and presented it to her. Then someone needed wood cut into 1" X 1" strips which I immediately secured. Ann L was in charge but needed an assistant. Kitty showed up and Ann demonstrated how to assemble the strips. Kitty wanted to see a plan. "There is no plan!" Ann said. "Then I want a man to instruct me," Kitty wailed. I said, "Ann knows what she's doing." Ann said, "I've already made 50!" I left for the next station where I saw a man sitting on an overhead beam. He was dressed entirely in black. I shouted that he would have to leave. He shook his head and would not budge. Suddenly Ann M was at my side. "I'll take care of him," she said and swung herself up toward the high roof. Hand over hand she went. I knew she would soon get rid of him so I went on. The next order was for PVC and the man insisted that he deliver it as he knew I could not handle the long dolly. "Nonsense," I huffed as I leaped into the driver's seat and sped away. I woke up before the job was done but I think we were building something for B-C.
A county health representative came with many Qs. It was a 2-hour interview and she will return in 3 weeks. Then Wallis and I were off to Grand Rapids to pay bills and buy food. The Thrift Shop was having a bag sale so I got several Ts for myself and Cedar. I also got her a book of poetry and myself a hardcover copy of "Centennial".
Later I left for B-C's new location. I found Melvin looking haggard and old. He greeted me with a look of relief. B-C woke up and was clearly glad to see me. Melvin said she'd suffered a brain virus, a fever of 107 and a stroke. She is bedridden and sleeps a lot. She has difficulty talking. How strange to see her speechless and inanimate. She still has such pretty skin. With gentle hands I rubbed her feet... feet that carried her to so many places. Idle now with no place to go.

Aug 4. Woke up about 6 and waited for Melvin to make coffee. Beau the basset started pounding the floor with her long tail when she saw me. Two deer graced the yard with their fair beauty.
Marguerite Young wrote of Aug, "... booming with the buzzy bees, the caw of crows, and spinsters numerous as hollyhocks. There was a feeling that any... man might become the subject of American mythology if he went barefoot or left his hat in a cornfield."
Cyndy arrived to bathe and shampoo B-C. She was patient and gracious but I thought of May S book "As I Am So You shall Be".
I had planned to stay with B-C so Melvin could go to an AA mtg but his ride fell thru. My poor B-C was quite unhappy with that news. I kissed her and promised to return. Melvin can call and I can still drive.

Aug 5. Woke up at home in my own bed. My thoughts turned to B-C in the hospital bed in the middle of the living room. Melvin in the recliner at her side. He said he hasn't slept in their bed since she got sick in June.
I called Cedar and asked if she wanted to come over for an ice cream party. You KNOW she said YES. The menu of the afternoon was: root beer floats, cherry pie alamode and ice cream sandwiches. We watched "The Secret Life of Bees". She spent the night. Fell asleep with a plush stuffed dachshund in her arms. It's the one I call Sam. I recently added another homeless puppy to the collection. I call him Little Friendly. Cedar and I talked about how much fun it would be if the 7 puppies were real. We know the velveteen rabbit turned real.

ZERO AT THE BONE

2010-07-28T22:21:00.002-05:00

It had been a disappointing summer (1982) for May S... weather wise. "But yesterday was one of 2 or 3 perfect summer days we have had..." I can't complain! We have had a good collection of summer days.
Emily Dickenson wrote of the red squirrel: "But never met this fellow Attended or alone, Without a tighter breathing And zero at the bone." What would she say if she'd encountered a bear? Of the blue heron Mary O wrote: "The preacher made his difficult landing, his skirts up around his knees." When another heron arrived MO continued, "They greeted each other, rumpling their gowns for an instant, and then smoothing them." Oh, can you just see them?
Cedar and i went to get Marcellus and we spent time in both Deer river's play parks. It was fun for them to have someone young enough to play with and fun for me to sit and watch.
Wallis called and asked me to go to her place and sit with her as she was expecting an unpleasant visit. He did not show up but I'm concerned that he might prefer to surprise her when she is alone. It's one of those unpleasant domestic situations. The police have been supportive and ready to assist if needed.

NAMING CEREMONY

2010-07-27T15:11:00.004-05:00

Awakened to a gray and overcast morning. Looks like rain. Our naming ceremony will be indoors.
Verlyn Klinkenborg had spent part of a summer in Yellowstone where he'd seen a young elk grazing, "the velvet still plush and unrubbed... and on his back sat a cowbird." Now I see the scene, too. So well painted on my imagination by the brush stroke words of VK.
Mary O wrote of crows: "they don't envy anyone or anything... why should they? the wind is their friend, the least tree is home." Then she turned her thoughts to herself. "Should I have led a more simple life? Have my ambitions been worthy?"
We had a very nice naming ceremony. Justice cooked rice with berries and prepared herbal liver cleanse tea sweetened with maple syrup and honey. I put an altar on the floor as it was raining. Keanu received his second name. It is an exceptional one for such a young child, age 4. A small giveaway followed the ceremony. After we ate the four travelers got ready to head east and Cedar came home with me. After supper at the Community Cafe with Wallis and Marcellus, Cedar and i came home and watched Kurt Browning skate on youtube.

IN LOVE WITH A TREE

2010-07-26T13:06:00.004-05:00

Wallis called and we arranged a trip to grocer. Then to Bargain Bin for a new puzzle. I gave Marcellus $1 to spend. Then we waited as he shopped for the perfect treat. He selected a Reese's peanut butter cup. I said Elvis would have wanted one, too. He loved peanut butter.
I've been away from May Sarton's journal but cannot abandon her as she was part of the inspiration behind my Seventh Decade journal. So on the 24th she was seeking refuge from hungry mosquitoes. "It is no fun walking in the woods these days. So this morning we will go down to the ocean." From Mary O: "I have been in love more times than one, thank the Lord." Sometimes she was in love with a man or a woman... and sometimes she was in love with a tree.
There were six of us in the woman's circle under a bright moon with a clear sky. Fireflies visited us and wondered at our songs. It was beautiful.

ISLAND WITHDRAWAL

2010-07-25T23:18:00.002-05:00

Up too early again! But tackled the e-mails and did the really stinking laundry. Phew! I made an really terrific omelet with egg, onion, and French pate'.
I am enduring a serious attack of island withdrawal. I've isolated myself in the flat. I cannot face the tarred street, the fumes of traffic, the aimless chatter of many voices! I cannot! I will not!
But Tammie had just arrived from Illinois and called, "We're here! Meet us at Shelly's!" It was good to hear her voice after so many months of internet only. It was a delightful reunion.
Ober had no Mary O on his shelves so I was hungry for a few of her words. Let these swim in your thoughts until they form an image upon which to rest your inner eyes. "...and the little fish in their rainbow shirts are gliding peacefully by."

Somehow I am also remembering a song by Edith Piaf... "No Regrets".

MALLARD ISLAND RENEWAL

2010-07-24T14:14:00.004-05:00

July 18. Sharon H and Sharon S arrived early and away we flew like three wild geese. The miles sped by as we hurried north. At International Falls we made a quick stop for food. SH also purchased her first bottle of Deco-Art Red Sparkling toe nail polish. She had been allowing the nails to grow quite long and had also purchased new sandals for this historic event. There was soon to follow the unveiling of the glamor toes. SS painted her toes, too. So the 20 red nails were photographed together and will certainly be included in some outstanding collection of erotic art.
When we got to Bald Rock dock there was no pontoon taxi! But soon there arrived Sir Tim of Koochiching who carried we three damsels over the lake on his waterborne steed. He paused en-route to point out two eagle nests. "Now", I heard him promise, "our safe passage is assured for the feathered guardians are at their posts." When we reached our distant destination we were quickly deposited and soon Sir Tim was away in pursuit of new adventures.
It was the song of the white-throated sparrow spilling from the cedar tree that brought me down from the fluffy white clouds. I planted my two sad feet with ten unpainted nails on the firm but unsteady planks of the Mallard boat landing and slipped into the present reality of another golden hour.
Sharon S, Priscilla and I made ourselves at home in Cedar Bark House, the floating bordello. After a wonderful supper prepared for us by Mary and M-air-y I was ready for sleep. Sharon S played a twilight tune entitled "Love's Old Sweet Song" on Rosa (Ober's mother) Davenport's old upright piano. This caused the local loons to mourn wistfully upon the quiet Rainy Lake. And so we slept beneath a great star shining in the west.

July 19. I was up with the sun! Unable to go back to sleep I went to the Wannigan, a floating kitchen that used to follow the log booms. Little Anne (I'm Big Anne) was already there! We made coffee and one by one other women joined us. There were ten guests and two able (M&M) camp counselors on the Mallard this week. I went quickly to the Book House or library (formerly a 1920s boat house) to read and write. The two Sharons soon found me and stories were exchanged with much laughter and applause.
After a wonderful dinner it was time to work on a Mallard poem. It was slow to find its voice but at last it was ready to speak. At 7 PM we gathered at Ober's Big House to drum and tell stories. After that we went to Japanese House on the point to watch the sunset. It began to rain and we saw a pale rainbow climb high in the south. After a visit to the Clivus Multrum composter toilet I went home to Cedar Bark. Once more the great white star watched over our sleep.

July 20. No one in the kitchen so I made one cup of coffee. Suddenly they were arriving non-stop! There I sat with a single cup. I promised myself to make a full pot tomorrow.
Sharon S, Faye and I paddled over to Crow to hike the trail that Beth and I had marked in 2008. It is now groomed. We also took a small pail for picking blueberries. We had filled about 1/3 of the pail when Sharon's sore toe became too painful to continue. We were returning to the canoe when we met Stephanie who had swam over. Faye took the pail and went back up the trail with Stephanie. Sharon soaked her foot in the cold water and I visited the sacred site. It wanted a cleansing and a blessing. I was not prepared for ceremony but I sat and prayed then walked around the fire pit, altar and circle. I put a prayer into every step. I looked for the piece of moccasin that I'd seen there in 2008 but it has been removed. We got back to the canoe and paddled to Gull. We visited the caboose and Frigate Friday that used to belong to writer Ted Hall of Ranier.
Later that day we all went on the pontoon for a wine and chip/dip party on the Frigate Friday.
After supper we all sat on the pontoon to drum and sing. I led a water blessing ceremony and read "A Chain of Promises", the new poem I'd written for the Mallard. It was a beautiful evening until the mosquitoes found us.

July 21. I read "The 12 Pound Look", one of Barrie's other plays, last night. It pulled my tired face into a weary smile. He also wrote "Peter Pan". Sharon S, Priscilla and I took the green canoe out and around Half Mile Island then returned to land near the caboose on Crow. I put the nose of the canoe in a good place, unhinged my joints and crept carefully forward. Once on land I slowly pulled the canoe up as far as I could and Priscilla came ashore. Together we pulled Sharon in but the boat had drifted over a rock and suddenly it tipped and dumped Sharon! When we were all ashore I took Sharon's cap and climbed the Crow's wing of stone. I walked the bird's long spine and filled the cap with blueberries. When I climbed down and passed the cap, Priscilla told a story about two rabbit hunters.
At the Mallard I returned to the library until dinner. What a fantastic Mexican menu had been prepared... and apple pie, too. Later Little Anne took three of us down to the winter kitchen under Ober's house. It has been restored and shaped into a small museum kitchen. It is a gem of a room and quite chilly even on this warm day.
Later we gathered on the Wannigan deck to sing and drum. Faye showed some of her fantastic art and we had a reader's theater. Sharon S had cut Chris Larson's "Ode to a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea" into several parts for each of us to read. It was extremelymoving and reminded me again that water is vital to the lives of all nations. Someone started telling ghost stories so I told about the spirit man who had visited the bordello in 2008. He was wearing a red shirt, had long thin braids and an extremely cheerful smile.
Afterward I went to the library and found myself reading until darkness peered in at me from the windows. I felt like the official Mallard librarian as I locked it up for the night. It's not a real lock but a circular key that fits into a hasp.

July 22. I watched another glorious sunrise over Rainy Lake. I had the early morning to myself in the Wannigan. When Sharon H found me we looked at Ober's Native American photos. Such beautiful children! Then I left and spent a wonderful hour alone on the screened deck at Ober's House overlooking the channel. Later in the library with a rare three volume collection of Robert Burns before me, the eager water lapping below, dappled sun spread on the Mallard's stone thumb and the sweet fragrance of the day wafting in through the open window... I was as satisfied as I've ever been.
After reading of how Burns had suffered unto death I took myself to the Cedar Bark deck to soak my feet. I thought it would restore a vision of Virgil and I sitting there in 2008 dangling our feet in the water and waxing eloquent. But the water was too low so I crossed to the boat dock and sat swinging my feet in the tea-colored water. I was dismayed by the way Burns had died and the Latin inscription on his grave stone. He had written his own epitaph in English and had said that Latin was "a book sealed" from him... and from me as well. Furthermore, his bones have been exhumed at least twice for "examination".
We had a wonderful circle of women for the cleansing of Grandmother Drum and a deep healing for some of us. The Thunder Beings came, the Water People were dancing on the roof and it was all just about perfect! What would have made it perfect? A visit from The Scottish Bard.

July 23. All night I enjoyed the joyful dance of water driven by a strong wind. It played along the stony shores of Crow Island and beneath the floor of our bordello. Just before dawn I was awakened by the sound of a small drum beat followed by a distant beat of a large drum. I got up to investigate and get a drink of water. I was still tired so I fell back into the bed but before I could get settled the wind pushed the swinging window open, flipped the basin and spilled the contents on the rug. I cleaned it up as quietly as I could, hung the rug out on the clothesline to dry and went to the Wannigan. It was 5:20 AM. We had been told a trickster spirit lived on the island. His name is Charlie Friday and I have no doubt he had paid me an early visit. At 5:34 Stephanie joined me. It began to make sense. My last thought of the night before had been that I'd had an opportunity to speak privately with all the women except her. But how did Charlie know that? I didn't say it... I only thought it.
Sharon S and I had not been chosen for the Hot Dishes... we were the Left Over Women. But Priscilla, our roomy, volunteered to join our effort to prepare a last supper of leftovers. They were in charge of the hot dishes and salad. I prepared a fruit salad dessert (dressed with honey from contented bees with memberships to the most exclusive bee societies) and cedar leaf tea from blushing trees at the west end of the island frequented by skinny-dippers. Afterward we cleaned up the kitchen and I returned to the library because my time with Burns was coming to an end.
We took the pontoon out to watch the sun set from the water. Then we went to the Wannigan to celebrate a blueberry pie birthday party for Frances Andrews, Ober's very good friend. We passed her portrait around the table and we all wished her well on the other side.
Before going to sleep in our bordello we celebrated the dead poets. I read from John Greenleaf Whittier and Sharon read some works by Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Earlier, Priscilla had quoted a bit of verse from "Annabelle Lee" by Edgar Allen Poe.

July 24. I awakened early to a gull screaming near my window. Soon after a loon raised her haunting voice and was closely followed by a chorus of white-throated sparrows. I went to the Wannigan to write and found Mary preparing blueberry chocolate chip muffins. Stephanie was talking about her waterproof mascara. I read the quote on Mary's personal mug: "It is good to live with old and large trees." By Frances Andrews. Concern for Ober's collected books led to Q's and Mary said the books are naturally freeze dried every year by winter.
All things come to an end and soon it would be our turn to leave the Mallard. I had volunteered to clean the library but first I got busy cleaning my space in Cedar Bark. I'd hung all the rugs and swept the house, porches and walk the night before. Priscilla said she would mop. After all was done I sat on the bordello deck to make my good bye to the magic island. Before our departure Mary gave me a pair of silver and pearl earrings. They will be a precious reminder of this visit to the magic island. Then M-air-y pontooned the first group to Bald Rock dock where we loaded the cars and left. S&S dropped me in Deer River and went on with their long journey to their destinations.
In late afternoon a large rabbit came out to dine on the grass beyond my window. I watched him for a long time. Then I went down to visit Pearl and pick up three parcels that had arrived during my absence. I gifted her a pkg of Starbuck's breakfast blend coffee and we had a long talk. Ann M called later. It was another full day.

END OF SIX

2010-07-17T09:52:00.006-05:00

May S. had dropped her week (in 1982) "Into a limbo of fetid heat...", her new car didn't start and it hadn't rained for 3 weeks! Ray Bradbury promises, "... passion often saves the day."
Today I realized I have not mounted a bicycle this year! But it's traveling time again so the bicycle seat will have to wait. Yes, I'm on the road to the Mallard on Sunday. Today I'll go to Ball Club for the pow-wow. I know I will find many friends and family to enjoy spending time with and dance the circle a few times, too.
From an old journal: 5-3-97. I have said goodbye to the daffodils, the mallards, wood ducks and the spring pond. Then I hurried away with Brandon and John. It would be my first writing retreat. We arrived at Norcroft on the North Shore at 1:45 PM. A bit early. I apologized to the forgiving and gracious Paulette A. She showed me to the tree-top room. Last month Brandon and I had completed a three-level tree house at my home on "the road without a mailbox near the river without a name". Later Brandon carried up my bag and said, "WOW!"
This ends journal number six and I will open number seven tomorrow on the Mallard. There I will journal but not blog as there is no phone except for emergency and no internet either.

THE FREE BOX

2010-07-16T22:56:00.003-05:00

It has occurred to me that one of summers most pleasant diversions is following small and sudden signs that point to garage sales. If you don't have a dime there will still be a free box. Although it will be thoroughly rummaged, a hidden treasure will always be waiting. Yesterday a free box yielded a warped and musty hard cover copy of "The Man in the Iron Mask" and a small glow-in-the-dark space alien with great red eyes. I put a colorful ribbon through the alien and he has become a one-of-a-kind necklace for Cedar. The book will be good winter reading and then go to the Thrift Shop to be returned to circulation.
On losing a house Mary O wrote: "The bumble bee knows where their home is. They have memorized every stalk and leaf of the field... Where will we go with our table and chairs, our bed, our 9,000 books, our TV, PC, VCR, our cat who is 16 years old?"
Where? Homelessness is difficult and it is not easy to find housing that accepts pets. Also there will be an outrageous deposit.
Ray Bradbury offers writers his advice. "...while our art cannot... save us from wars, privation, envy, greed, old age or death, it can revitalize us amidst it all."
Wallis has one year of sobriety!!

WHERE LOST THINGS GO

2010-07-15T15:25:00.006-05:00

Today it was given to me to find these words of sisterhood by Sappho: "In the pure light that brings forth fruit and flowers, And that great sanity, the sun, the feminine power." May Sarton found these words late in life so have I. Yes, just in time... as always. And just in time , before I fall into hopeless despair I find the words of Gladys Taber, too. "I believe there is a place somewhere, where all the lost things go, and the people who live between the worlds must need them and magic them away." That explains so many things.
Then I found Mary O in the mailbox and opened to "What Do We Know" on page 23 and sang: "Sometimes I am victorious and even beautiful..." How does she know so much about me?
Cedar and I went out to pick raspberries for about 1.5 hours. She ate most of her so we are saving mine for smoothies. She thanked Creator for the berries, the rain, the sun and for her Gramma, too. It was very sweet. She declared that we were the true berry pickers because we didn't quit when we were tired, hot, sweating and thirsty. So I said I was thirsty, too. "We should go home and have a nice cold drink." She was quick to agree.
Later I delivered a couple spools of thread to Wallis so she could finish a grass dance outfit for the Ball Club pow-wow. Then we went to a small rummage sale being run by two nice friendly little boys and a lovely loving mother. Afterward we went to the Community Cafe for a free meal.

I am leaving Sunday for Mallard Island. I will journal but not blog. I'll catch up when I get back home. I'm so excited! The Mallard is an experience. The library is one of my favorite island spots. But I will certainly revisit the water, the sky and the stones.